2022-01-17, 06:23 AM - Word count:
<i>Bud-Lite McGuirk, a 1st round selection by Inter London in the latest SSL draft, slowly makes his way up the stairs to the podium at the center of the stage. He walks with a certain kind of swagger. Not really a positive kind, it's more like an odd shuffle. Would you call it a swuffle? Anyways, as he gets to the front he squints and rubs his eyes. It's currently 2 PM on a Tuesday and he looks exhausted. It's been a busy week for the young man</i><br><br><i>He taps the microphone,</i><b> "hey is this thing even on?"</b><i> crickets from the crowd of about 5 reporters.<br></i><br><b>"Ok then fuck it we'll do it live. Uh you sir?"</b><br><br><b><span style='color:green'>"Hi yes, Russel Hansborough, The Dependent. People are wondering is Bud-Lite your real name?"</span></b><br><br><b>"Yes, indeed it is. Says so right here on the state certified copy of my birth certificate I keep on my person at all times. On my person, that's kid of a weird thing to say y'know? Like why do we say th-"</b><br><br><span style='color:green'><b>"Ok can you explain the origin of your name?"</b></span><br><br><b>"Well my sisters name is Rose cause my mother loves roses. My dad got to name me."</b><br><br><i>Pauses for a few moments while the room is completely silent.<br></i><br><b>"Alright uh next, yes you sir."</b><br><br><b><span style='color:blue'>"CJ Board, Big Board Emporium and Deer Antler Spray Quarterly. You keep a state certified copy of your birth certificate in your pocket? Why?"</span></b><br><br><b>"Cause people always ask if Bud-Lite is my real name. Pretty obvious."<br></b><br><b>"Ok next, ma'am in the back?"<br></b><br><span style='color:orange'><b>"Bonnie Frills, Southern Living Cookbook. What's your favorite type of frog?"<br></b></span><br><b>"Y'all gotta always do that weird introduction thing? Ok then. Uh favorite frog has gotta be the bullfrog. He is an absolute unit of an amphibian if I do say so. I actually have quite an affinity for the bullfrog yessir. Used to have one as a pet. Ol Pluffer. Real fine frog, real fine frog. Ok think we got time for one more question here. Yes, you there ma'am I think you're the only one here who hasn't asked a question so why not."</b><br><br><span style='color:yellow'><b>"Rhonda Fontaine. Not a reporter. I actually just walked in here looking for the bathroom, but uh- well what kind of music do like?"<br></b></span><br><b>"Hold up nobody here is gonna ask me about soccer? Really?"<br></b><br><i>The room remains completely silent.<br></i><br><b>"Well ok if you must know I am a big fan of the Pointer Brothers, ever heard of em?! Of course not. Ok well thank you all for nothing. Really appreciate it." </b>
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