Tut Tut Ginger Nut - One Night In Turin

[TontoTut]

When the scandal broke of Roy Keane’s one-night-stand with Geri Halliwell on the night of 21 April, 1999, it stunned many that Roy had enough energy for such an illicit meeting after his heroic performance at the Stadio Delle Alpi in Turin. His contribution, including scoring a crucial header, to Manchester United’s victory over Juventus, before scoring again with Geri a few hours later, also included a yellow card. This often benign punishment was a result of his tenacity during the match, and meant he was banned from playing in the final of UEFA Champions League, a competition Manchester United would go on to win. Such tenacity barely faded later when he met Geri, although it is unknown whether the referee was present at the hotel to brandish Roy’s second yellow of the night.

Nine months after that evening, as a result of the scandal, Tonto Tut Keane-Halliwell was born, who one nurse claims was born with a Mohawk and a scowl. The National Health Service refused to comment. Only one of Tonto’s parents appreciated the colour of said hairdo, which is likely the explanation for why Roy kept his distance from Tonto during Tonto’s formative years. With orange being a mix of red and yellow, you’d think Roy would be used to seeing those colours. It wasn’t until Tonto joined County Cork’s under 10s football academy that Roy began calling Tonto on the phone once a month, bringing Tonto to tears on occasion that he could finally try to impress his father. Tonto updated Roy on his performances with such glee during those calls, but would often get the same old humbling response – “it’s your job”.

Words that would crush many children instead inspired Tonto to work harder and one day play in the final of the Champions League, something his old man hadn’t ever done. Now Tonto has joined PS Jakarta’s academy of the SSL after a record-breaking £100 transfer from Cork, Roy calls him on a fortnightly basis to remind him what Tonto’s job is. Roy said in his interview with Sport Interactive in January that he would call Tonto weekly if he can make it the Major League, but Tonto has a long way to go. Roy never cracked a smile even once when talking about his protégé, but managed one lip curl when discussing Tonto’s ability to find the net from 40-yards out on occasion. Roy added, “he reminds me of Scholesy when he scores like that, but the other 89 minutes of a match have me questioning whether I’m speaking to my son too much”. Roy was asked if he ever uses FaceTime to speak with Tonto, but answered with, “no, I still use my Nokia 3310 – modest, long battery life, and I can play Snake”.

Tonto joins Jakarta at the same time as striker Dom Patterson (@DomPatterson), after being former teammates at Coca-Cola Kids, a team in a 5-a-side league based in the north-east of England. Tonto is hoping to do all of the dog-work to create the best environment for Patterson to thrive in front of goal at Jakarta. Tonto’s reputation for biting like a jackal used to be welcomed by Jonny Foster (@everyonesawinnerbaby), another former Coca-Cola Kids alumni. However, since Foster is now at Port Royal, he will be telling his club physio to have a few tetanus shots on hand for their upcoming match. Tonto has been known to end matches with less studs on his boots then when he started, something which Zlatan Gibrahimovic (@DavyGibson89) of Adowa Accra can attest to. Gibrahimovic, sparingly known as ‘Gibdog’ for reasons certainly not the same as Tonto, has in the past crossed paths with Tonto in the Power League, another 5-a-side league, whereby a simple growl from Tonto would have Gibra hopping on stilts. “Gibraffe”.

The evening of 10 January, 2025, saw all four in action for the first time at their respective clubs. First was Foster for Port Royal, with an underwhelming 6.6 rating in a 1-0 defeat to Stockholm. He did however contribute the most tackles in his team for the match, but comments after the match included questioning the tactics, mainly regarding the shackles on him being used as a left-side overlap. Gibrahimovic’s fortunes opposed that of Foster, as his two late goals for Adowa Accra proved how clinical he can be as a striker, earning his team a 3-2 victory over Sydney City. Finally, Jakarta featured the two former Coca-Cola Kids reuniting, but despite both Patterson and Tonto enjoying good individual performances, they ended up being on the losing team following a 4-2 thumping to Atletico. Patterson managed to get a goal, and Tonto had to hold central midfield alone with accurate passing and a 7.2 rating.

[Geoff]

Roy Keane’s legacy lives on, whether through Tonto’s tackles or his Nokia 3310.