2025-02-15, 10:44 PM - Word count: 2007
(This post was last modified: 2025-02-15, 10:48 PM by donut. Edited 1 time in total.)
Hey everyone, Julian Rubio here! If you follow the SSL, you might know me as last season's Rookie of the Year. But if you're a real fan, you probably know me as the striker who’s always knocking in tap-ins. Let's be honest, half my goals come from being in the right place at the right time, and the other half come from my teammates doing all the hard work. But hey, they all count the same on the scoresheet, right?
My agents convinced me that ranking my teammates would get plenty of media buzz, so today I’m giving you the inside scoop on the players who make me look good every weekend. Just a heads-up, I still need these guys to pass me the ball, so if any of them are reading this, I meant every nice thing I said and nothing else!
11th - Roquefort Cotswold
As expected, Roquefort Cotswold is the worst player on the team. That slimy little rat always has to be the center of attention, “Look at me, I’m going to cut inside and miss by 40 yards!” And somehow, he’s even worse off the field. Back when we were teammates on the Pyrenees Union, we had to go to a lot of team dinners, and every single time, he’d walk in acting like he owned the place. I’ve seen him make servers cry just for accidentally putting ice in his water, and if you bring out the wrong cheese, he’ll make it his personal mission to ruin your life. The only player on the team who even likes him is Yoma, but Yoma likes everyone so does it even really count? It’s honestly sickening to think that the team wasted the first overall pick on this disgusting rat instead of choosing Hercule Hefeweizen. Without a shadow of a doubt Roquefort is the worst, most hated player on São Paulo.
10th - Zyqwarndalethron Velstrazyn-Smith
As a teammate ZVS is fine, nothing special like some of the people that I’ll mention later but he’s nowhere near as bad as Roquefart. However, there are two MAJOR problems with ZVS. First is that despite playing as a defensive midfielder he has the gall to think that he’s allowed to take shots. I’ll be standing near post in the perfect spot for a tap in and I see him launch the ball from 25 yards out straight into the crowd. And you’d think after skying five shots in a row, he’d get the message and start looking for a pass, but no, ZVS genuinely believes he’s some sort of long-shot prodigy. If he just stuck to passing the ball to me he’d be a solid player, but as long as he keeps thinking he’s a striker, we’re all suffering. But the second issue with ZVS is even worse, his name. He refuses to respond to anything but his full, ridiculously long name. Unless someone says “Zyqwarndalethron Velstrazyn-Smith” in its entirety, he just pretends he can’t hear you. Imagine trying to call for a pass in the middle of a game, only for him to ignore you because you didn’t pronounce every syllable of his absurd name, he’s just a constant headache.
9th - Ryan Kirkpatrick
Kirkpatrick is a good player. He’s reliable on the field, always in the right position, and rarely makes costly mistakes. He does the occasionally flashy trick, but he gets the job done. The problem is, with the way he carries himself. I have to be really careful with what I say about Kirkpatrick because he seems to have an extraordinarily close relationship with the team’s management. He must be related to the manager or something because I always see him in his office or talking to the assistant managers like he runs the place. He acts like he’s untouchable, like no one can criticize him because of his cozy relationship with management. Maybe that’s why he never gets subbed off, even when he’s having a terrible game. Still, as long as he keeps things solid on the pitch, I can tolerate the extra office politics.
8th - Nerve De Groot
De Groot is one of the players I interact with the most since we are both attackers. However, he seems to have a fundamental misunderstanding of his role on the team. His one and only job is to cross the ball to me, nothing else. But for some reason, he loves to take shots. Unlike Suckswold or ZVS, though, he actually manages to score from time to time, which is probably why he ended up as our second-highest goal scorer, right behind yours truly. It’s frustrating because when he actually plays the way he is supposed to, he is one of the best wingers in the league. His crosses are pinpoint and he has the pace to beat defenders with ease. If he could just accept that his primary job is to set me up rather than chase personal glory, we would be unstoppable.
7th - Zach Mulder
Mulder is the newest member of this São Paulo and as such I haven’t had the opportunity to truly connect with him yet. That being said, what I’ve gleaned from our short interactions has been exceptional. He has a level of composure and confidence that you don’t often see in younger players, and his elite work ethic will really take him far. In training he pushes himself harder than most of the squad, always looking to improve and refine his game. He listens, absorbs feedback, and doesn’t shy away from the league's physicality. That kind of mindset is rare, and I respect it. If he keeps this up, we are going to create a deadly duo up front. With my experience and his hunger, defenses won’t know what hit them. I’m excited to see what we can do together.
6th - Vito Habjanič
I mean, who doesn’t love The Closer? Every time I saw Vito sub in for Teitur, I knew we had the game wrapped up. He just had that presence, and there was never any panic when he was on the pitch, just a certainty that we would win the match. And don’t even get me started on his set pieces. The moment we won a free kick in a dangerous area, we were already jogging back to the halfway line because we knew exactly what was coming. The keeper could set up the wall, stretch all he wanted, and dive in either direction, but it wouldn’t matter. Vito’s free kicks are pinpoint, curling past defenders and finding the back of the net like it was second nature. Off the field, he’s just as reliable. He’s one of those guys who never has a bad word to say about anyone and is always looking out for his teammates., Vito is as solid as they come and every team could use a player like him.
5th - Yoma Hashimoto
As I alluded to earlier, Yoma is the nicest guy on the team. He is the ultimate team player, always putting the team’s needs above his own. When I originally came to São Paulo he was playing in a more attacking role, but he willingly shifted to wing-back to strengthen the team, and it has paid off. He whips in so many of the crosses I score on, delivering perfect balls right to my feet. His work ethic is unmatched, and he never complains, no matter how much running he has to do. Off the pitch, he is just as selfless, always encouraging his teammates and keeping the locker room atmosphere positive. Whether it is making an unselfish pass, tracking back to cover for others, or just being a supportive presence, Yoma embodies what it means to be a true professional.
4th - Calvin Ball
Calvin “The Wall” Ball, need I say more? The league’s best goalkeeper single-handedly kept us in matches last season. Coming off a season where he allowed 100 goals, you’d think he would be discouraged, but not Ball. Instead of letting it shake his confidence, he doubled down on his training, working harder than ever to improve his reflexes, positioning, and command of the box. He’s the kind of keeper who thrives under pressure, making impossible saves look routine and keeping us in games we had no business staying in. Beyond his shot-stopping ability, Ball is also a leader. He’s constantly communicating with the defense, organizing the backline, and making sure everyone stays focused. If there’s anyone you want behind you when the game is on the line, it’s Ball.
3rd - Beaklie Eilish
Beaklie is easily the most interesting member of our team because she is a goose. You would think that having a goose as a teammate would make communication nearly impossible, and you would be absolutely right. She does not understand English, Portuguese, or any language for that matter. That being said, I feel like Beaklie is the one teammate who truly gets me. we understand what it feels like to come from a place where nobody expects greatness. We both had to prove ourselves on a bigger stage, surrounded by players from powerhouse nations who never had to fight for recognition the way we did. Maybe that’s why we have this unspoken bond. Perhaps the lack of words makes our connection stronger. No arguments, no misunderstandings, just mutual respect. Beaklie may be unusual, but she’s a teammate who I’m sure I’ll stay close friends with until the day that I die.
2nd - Joao Peixoto
From the moment Joao and I first stepped onto the pitch together in Stockholm, something special clicked. We both came up through SSL's academy system, and game after game, our connection only grew stronger. Every match, every training session, we were inseparable, developing a chemistry that opponents couldn't handle. Together, we powered Stockholm to the Academy title, and when I heard São Paulo had drafted him, I knew fate was on our side. But the real fairy tale moment? Getting that call-up to the Pyrenees Union national team together. There we were, two kids who started their journey side by side in Stockholm, now wearing the same international colors at the World Simulation Football Classic. Some partnerships are just meant to be, and Joao and I? We're living proof of that.
1st - Chef Gagne
The Chef, they say his passes are so precise that he once threaded a ball through the Pyrenees Mountains themselves. And honestly? After playing alongside him, I wouldn't doubt it. The SSL has seen some incredible playmakers over the years, but nobody, and I mean nobody, serves up a pass quite like the Chef. You want to know what it's like playing in front of him? Pure magic. I'll make a run that even I think is too ambitious, and somehow, the ball appears at my feet like it was guided by GPS. The way he reads the game, it's like he's watching from above while playing on the ground. Defenders can pack the box, set the perfect trap, do everything right, and then Chef just casually slips a ball through a gap that didn't even exist two seconds ago. Every striker dreams of having a playmaker like this behind them. The weight of his passes, the timing, the vision, it's art. I barely have to think when I play, the ball just arrives, perfectly placed, begging to be tapped in. I'm not just a striker playing with a midfielder, I'm a fortunate soul who gets to be on the receiving end of footballing genius. I love you Chef, let’s take over the world together.
My agents convinced me that ranking my teammates would get plenty of media buzz, so today I’m giving you the inside scoop on the players who make me look good every weekend. Just a heads-up, I still need these guys to pass me the ball, so if any of them are reading this, I meant every nice thing I said and nothing else!
11th - Roquefort Cotswold
As expected, Roquefort Cotswold is the worst player on the team. That slimy little rat always has to be the center of attention, “Look at me, I’m going to cut inside and miss by 40 yards!” And somehow, he’s even worse off the field. Back when we were teammates on the Pyrenees Union, we had to go to a lot of team dinners, and every single time, he’d walk in acting like he owned the place. I’ve seen him make servers cry just for accidentally putting ice in his water, and if you bring out the wrong cheese, he’ll make it his personal mission to ruin your life. The only player on the team who even likes him is Yoma, but Yoma likes everyone so does it even really count? It’s honestly sickening to think that the team wasted the first overall pick on this disgusting rat instead of choosing Hercule Hefeweizen. Without a shadow of a doubt Roquefort is the worst, most hated player on São Paulo.
10th - Zyqwarndalethron Velstrazyn-Smith
As a teammate ZVS is fine, nothing special like some of the people that I’ll mention later but he’s nowhere near as bad as Roquefart. However, there are two MAJOR problems with ZVS. First is that despite playing as a defensive midfielder he has the gall to think that he’s allowed to take shots. I’ll be standing near post in the perfect spot for a tap in and I see him launch the ball from 25 yards out straight into the crowd. And you’d think after skying five shots in a row, he’d get the message and start looking for a pass, but no, ZVS genuinely believes he’s some sort of long-shot prodigy. If he just stuck to passing the ball to me he’d be a solid player, but as long as he keeps thinking he’s a striker, we’re all suffering. But the second issue with ZVS is even worse, his name. He refuses to respond to anything but his full, ridiculously long name. Unless someone says “Zyqwarndalethron Velstrazyn-Smith” in its entirety, he just pretends he can’t hear you. Imagine trying to call for a pass in the middle of a game, only for him to ignore you because you didn’t pronounce every syllable of his absurd name, he’s just a constant headache.
9th - Ryan Kirkpatrick
Kirkpatrick is a good player. He’s reliable on the field, always in the right position, and rarely makes costly mistakes. He does the occasionally flashy trick, but he gets the job done. The problem is, with the way he carries himself. I have to be really careful with what I say about Kirkpatrick because he seems to have an extraordinarily close relationship with the team’s management. He must be related to the manager or something because I always see him in his office or talking to the assistant managers like he runs the place. He acts like he’s untouchable, like no one can criticize him because of his cozy relationship with management. Maybe that’s why he never gets subbed off, even when he’s having a terrible game. Still, as long as he keeps things solid on the pitch, I can tolerate the extra office politics.
8th - Nerve De Groot
De Groot is one of the players I interact with the most since we are both attackers. However, he seems to have a fundamental misunderstanding of his role on the team. His one and only job is to cross the ball to me, nothing else. But for some reason, he loves to take shots. Unlike Suckswold or ZVS, though, he actually manages to score from time to time, which is probably why he ended up as our second-highest goal scorer, right behind yours truly. It’s frustrating because when he actually plays the way he is supposed to, he is one of the best wingers in the league. His crosses are pinpoint and he has the pace to beat defenders with ease. If he could just accept that his primary job is to set me up rather than chase personal glory, we would be unstoppable.
7th - Zach Mulder
Mulder is the newest member of this São Paulo and as such I haven’t had the opportunity to truly connect with him yet. That being said, what I’ve gleaned from our short interactions has been exceptional. He has a level of composure and confidence that you don’t often see in younger players, and his elite work ethic will really take him far. In training he pushes himself harder than most of the squad, always looking to improve and refine his game. He listens, absorbs feedback, and doesn’t shy away from the league's physicality. That kind of mindset is rare, and I respect it. If he keeps this up, we are going to create a deadly duo up front. With my experience and his hunger, defenses won’t know what hit them. I’m excited to see what we can do together.
6th - Vito Habjanič
I mean, who doesn’t love The Closer? Every time I saw Vito sub in for Teitur, I knew we had the game wrapped up. He just had that presence, and there was never any panic when he was on the pitch, just a certainty that we would win the match. And don’t even get me started on his set pieces. The moment we won a free kick in a dangerous area, we were already jogging back to the halfway line because we knew exactly what was coming. The keeper could set up the wall, stretch all he wanted, and dive in either direction, but it wouldn’t matter. Vito’s free kicks are pinpoint, curling past defenders and finding the back of the net like it was second nature. Off the field, he’s just as reliable. He’s one of those guys who never has a bad word to say about anyone and is always looking out for his teammates., Vito is as solid as they come and every team could use a player like him.
5th - Yoma Hashimoto
As I alluded to earlier, Yoma is the nicest guy on the team. He is the ultimate team player, always putting the team’s needs above his own. When I originally came to São Paulo he was playing in a more attacking role, but he willingly shifted to wing-back to strengthen the team, and it has paid off. He whips in so many of the crosses I score on, delivering perfect balls right to my feet. His work ethic is unmatched, and he never complains, no matter how much running he has to do. Off the pitch, he is just as selfless, always encouraging his teammates and keeping the locker room atmosphere positive. Whether it is making an unselfish pass, tracking back to cover for others, or just being a supportive presence, Yoma embodies what it means to be a true professional.
4th - Calvin Ball
Calvin “The Wall” Ball, need I say more? The league’s best goalkeeper single-handedly kept us in matches last season. Coming off a season where he allowed 100 goals, you’d think he would be discouraged, but not Ball. Instead of letting it shake his confidence, he doubled down on his training, working harder than ever to improve his reflexes, positioning, and command of the box. He’s the kind of keeper who thrives under pressure, making impossible saves look routine and keeping us in games we had no business staying in. Beyond his shot-stopping ability, Ball is also a leader. He’s constantly communicating with the defense, organizing the backline, and making sure everyone stays focused. If there’s anyone you want behind you when the game is on the line, it’s Ball.
3rd - Beaklie Eilish
Beaklie is easily the most interesting member of our team because she is a goose. You would think that having a goose as a teammate would make communication nearly impossible, and you would be absolutely right. She does not understand English, Portuguese, or any language for that matter. That being said, I feel like Beaklie is the one teammate who truly gets me. we understand what it feels like to come from a place where nobody expects greatness. We both had to prove ourselves on a bigger stage, surrounded by players from powerhouse nations who never had to fight for recognition the way we did. Maybe that’s why we have this unspoken bond. Perhaps the lack of words makes our connection stronger. No arguments, no misunderstandings, just mutual respect. Beaklie may be unusual, but she’s a teammate who I’m sure I’ll stay close friends with until the day that I die.
2nd - Joao Peixoto
From the moment Joao and I first stepped onto the pitch together in Stockholm, something special clicked. We both came up through SSL's academy system, and game after game, our connection only grew stronger. Every match, every training session, we were inseparable, developing a chemistry that opponents couldn't handle. Together, we powered Stockholm to the Academy title, and when I heard São Paulo had drafted him, I knew fate was on our side. But the real fairy tale moment? Getting that call-up to the Pyrenees Union national team together. There we were, two kids who started their journey side by side in Stockholm, now wearing the same international colors at the World Simulation Football Classic. Some partnerships are just meant to be, and Joao and I? We're living proof of that.
1st - Chef Gagne
The Chef, they say his passes are so precise that he once threaded a ball through the Pyrenees Mountains themselves. And honestly? After playing alongside him, I wouldn't doubt it. The SSL has seen some incredible playmakers over the years, but nobody, and I mean nobody, serves up a pass quite like the Chef. You want to know what it's like playing in front of him? Pure magic. I'll make a run that even I think is too ambitious, and somehow, the ball appears at my feet like it was guided by GPS. The way he reads the game, it's like he's watching from above while playing on the ground. Defenders can pack the box, set the perfect trap, do everything right, and then Chef just casually slips a ball through a gap that didn't even exist two seconds ago. Every striker dreams of having a playmaker like this behind them. The weight of his passes, the timing, the vision, it's art. I barely have to think when I play, the ball just arrives, perfectly placed, begging to be tapped in. I'm not just a striker playing with a midfielder, I'm a fortunate soul who gets to be on the receiving end of footballing genius. I love you Chef, let’s take over the world together.
![[Image: USP-Julian-Card.jpg]](https://i.ibb.co/Bn3WJtX/USP-Julian-Card.jpg)
