Matchday Recap - Jakarn’t Katch a Break

[TontoTut]

The bitter air inside and outside of the PS Jakarta dressing room following a 9-0 defeat in Istanbul makes the Indonesian capital city feel like the Ardennes Forest in 1945, and the squad would have probably preferred to be praying in a foxhole instead of watching Istanbul’s Marean Dohbra shell the living s*** out of them. The Istanbul manager was asked during the post-match presser whether he would have accepted a surrender at half time, to which he replied, “NUTS!”.

The revolutionary focus on AI to manage Jakarta’s tactics has been a complete failure. Dohbra was 1 goal away from a triple hat-trick on the night, no doubt pulling a shot or two in embarrassment that he could even get close to such a feat. It leaves Jakarta with no points this season, firmly routed to the bottom of the league table after 4 games. The Istanbul goalkeeper, Denis Mobek, trying his best to stay warm on his line, thought key Jakarta striker Patterson had hypertrichosis, until he realised he was just looking at the back of his head for the full 90-minutes. The Istanbul groundsman joked following the match, that he didn’t even need to install a net in their goal, “I had to leave my son’s fifth birthday party for nothing”, he added.
 
In all seriousness, looking at the half-time stats shows that Jakarta did actually manage 7 total shots, 3 on target, 41% of possession, and an 83% passing accuracy, so it wasn’t a landslide by this point as far as those stats alone are concerned. However, we all know that goals are the only thing that determines the result of the a match, and 5-0 means Jakarta were playing a much more clinical Istanbul, who by half-time had 20 total shots, 10 on target, and an xG of 4.1. Jakarta scored none, with an xG of 0.57.


Often you will see matches feature a dull second half when a high lop-sided score is registered in the first half, as the team being beaten will cut their losses and park the bus to prove they can play at least 45 minutes without embarrassing themselves. This is coupled with the winning team slowing down to avoid injuries and preserve fitness, knowing the victory is all but certain. However, this was not the case here, as all major stats were pretty much doubled for both teams. Istanbul managed to have a massive 38 total shots, 20 on target, and an xG of 8.23, whilst Jakarta again at least tested goalkeeper Mobek with 3 more shots on target, bringing their xG to 1.23, but that single goal remained elusive.


Full-time player ratings are what you might expect – terrible for Jakarta and great for Istanbul. Looking at Jakarta, 3 players registered embarrassing ratings of 5.9 – Hovi in defence, and Cain and Patterson at the other end of the pitch. The irony that goalkeeper Parkda Bus was the best performer, just shy of a respectable rating of 7, after conceding nine goals tells you everything about how bad the outfield was. You can’t knock the work rate of Jakarta, as they covered a total of 78.4 miles, an average of 7.13, whilst Istanbul totalled 83.2, an average of 7.56. However, much like comparing passing success or possession to goals scored, running around the pitch is the bare minimum for a footballer worth his salt, you still need the talent to play with the ball at your feet to have a successful career. Fans may respect their team not slacking off in the face of such a drubbing, but this is easily forgotten when your team has yet to register a single point all season across 4 games.


Four players in the dominant Istanbul team were rated 9 or higher, with the star being Dohbra’s 10 rating for scoring nearly as many goals – eight. Every other player registered a 7.3 rating or higher, except Davidovic, who was rated 6.7, which can only be moment of embarrassment for him, though he needn’t worry too much, as everything Istanbul done to score did not go down his wing. They instead realised Jakarta’s Timo Guerts was in earshot of Mobek more than Bus, so exploited his no-man’s-land side. Either Guerts is a maverick who completely ignores his manager’s instructions, is incredibly unintelligent, the AI manager is a disgrace to the SSL, or a combination of the three.


Things were so bad during the match, what was reported as “funeral music” sombrely floated through the stadium speakers as a mark of respect to few and insult to most. Mirroring scenes during the FIFA World Cup 2014 in Brazil, after Germany beat the host nation 7-1 in the semi-final, devastated fans took the streets to make their voices heard in Jakarta.


We must remember that these teams are full of young and developing players who are learning their trade, and a 9-0 defeat now is better than when or if they reach the Minor or Major League. Nevertheless, it’s clear that everyone at Jakarta demands change by sending what fans are now calling the team manager, “Always Inept”, to the Recycling Bin, and hiring a human to manage the dressing room. Patterson has shown interest in leading the team for Jakarta’s next match, with most begging for any inspiration at this point.