2022-01-17, 06:23 AM - Word count:
Bud-Lite McGuirk, a 1st round selection by Inter London in the latest SSL draft, slowly makes his way up the stairs to the podium at the center of the stage. He walks with a certain kind of swagger. Not really a positive kind, it's more like an odd shuffle. Would you call it a swuffle? Anyways, as he gets to the front he squints and rubs his eyes. It's currently 2 PM on a Tuesday and he looks exhausted. It's been a busy week for the young man
He taps the microphone, "hey is this thing even on?" crickets from the crowd of about 5 reporters.
"Ok then fuck it we'll do it live. Uh you sir?"
"Hi yes, Russel Hansborough, The Dependent. People are wondering is Bud-Lite your real name?"
"Yes, indeed it is. Says so right here on the state certified copy of my birth certificate I keep on my person at all times. On my person, that's kid of a weird thing to say y'know? Like why do we say th-"
"Ok can you explain the origin of your name?"
"Well my sisters name is Rose cause my mother loves roses. My dad got to name me."
Pauses for a few moments while the room is completely silent.
"Alright uh next, yes you sir."
"CJ Board, Big Board Emporium and Deer Antler Spray Quarterly. You keep a state certified copy of your birth certificate in your pocket? Why?"
"Cause people always ask if Bud-Lite is my real name. Pretty obvious."
"Ok next, ma'am in the back?"
"Bonnie Frills, Southern Living Cookbook. What's your favorite type of frog?"
"Y'all gotta always do that weird introduction thing? Ok then. Uh favorite frog has gotta be the bullfrog. He is an absolute unit of an amphibian if I do say so. I actually have quite an affinity for the bullfrog yessir. Used to have one as a pet. Ol Pluffer. Real fine frog, real fine frog. Ok think we got time for one more question here. Yes, you there ma'am I think you're the only one here who hasn't asked a question so why not."
"Rhonda Fontaine. Not a reporter. I actually just walked in here looking for the bathroom, but uh- well what kind of music do like?"
"Hold up nobody here is gonna ask me about soccer? Really?"
The room remains completely silent.
"Well ok if you must know I am a big fan of the Pointer Brothers, ever heard of em?! Of course not. Ok well thank you all for nothing. Really appreciate it."
He taps the microphone, "hey is this thing even on?" crickets from the crowd of about 5 reporters.
"Ok then fuck it we'll do it live. Uh you sir?"
"Hi yes, Russel Hansborough, The Dependent. People are wondering is Bud-Lite your real name?"
"Yes, indeed it is. Says so right here on the state certified copy of my birth certificate I keep on my person at all times. On my person, that's kid of a weird thing to say y'know? Like why do we say th-"
"Ok can you explain the origin of your name?"
"Well my sisters name is Rose cause my mother loves roses. My dad got to name me."
Pauses for a few moments while the room is completely silent.
"Alright uh next, yes you sir."
"CJ Board, Big Board Emporium and Deer Antler Spray Quarterly. You keep a state certified copy of your birth certificate in your pocket? Why?"
"Cause people always ask if Bud-Lite is my real name. Pretty obvious."
"Ok next, ma'am in the back?"
"Bonnie Frills, Southern Living Cookbook. What's your favorite type of frog?"
"Y'all gotta always do that weird introduction thing? Ok then. Uh favorite frog has gotta be the bullfrog. He is an absolute unit of an amphibian if I do say so. I actually have quite an affinity for the bullfrog yessir. Used to have one as a pet. Ol Pluffer. Real fine frog, real fine frog. Ok think we got time for one more question here. Yes, you there ma'am I think you're the only one here who hasn't asked a question so why not."
"Rhonda Fontaine. Not a reporter. I actually just walked in here looking for the bathroom, but uh- well what kind of music do like?"
"Hold up nobody here is gonna ask me about soccer? Really?"
The room remains completely silent.
"Well ok if you must know I am a big fan of the Pointer Brothers, ever heard of em?! Of course not. Ok well thank you all for nothing. Really appreciate it."
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