2025-05-06, 09:27 PM - Word count:
After another disappointment on the pitch from Montreal, Matias Xavier goes to the conference room to answer some questions. The reporters are hollering to get selected first. Matias finally decides on one poor soul to ask their first question.
Reporter: "Matias, after a disappointing start to the season, what will you be doing going forward to improve Montreal's chances moving forward?"
Matias: "You know the philosopher Aristotle?"
Reporter #1: "Yeah, but what does that have to do with my question?"
Matias: "Nothing but I wish I were like him, heard some great stories about him, and Alexander the Great's wife!"
The reporter was flabbergasted as that had little to do with the matter, but they resigned as they sat back down. The reporters in the room were determined to get something out of the defender who had only recently been drafted from Atletico Medellin. Matias then found another reporter who seemed eager to ask a frivolous question to the defender, who clearly was not all there in the head.
Reporter #2: "Do you miss your days at Medellin? How has the transition been to the minors?"
Matias stares deeply into the reporter's soul, peering into the crevices of his heart, sending a chill down his own spine from what he sees. This ignites a fire under him as he responds to the reporter.
Matias: "I do miss it, and the transition hasn't been bad, but do you know what I really want to talk about? There is a conspiracy here in the SSL, players are being haunted, players are being mistreated, some even have mid-day bowel movements instead of going to the bathroom before the game, which may take place mid-day! So here is the conspiracy: Louis Ashworth starts his matchdays by throwing flaming darts at Goodrick Whitewood I. Goodrick Whitewood I has recently seen the light from AI-Deccan, calling himself a disciple of the Death's Brood of Torment. These disciples go by the name of ai-desk. Now let me ask you, is that related at all?"
The reporter is both confused and worried about the mental state of Matias. Yet the reporter entertains Matias.
Reporter #2: "No, not really."
Matias: "It's because you don't see it. How many letters are in Death's? 6, what do you do after 1 round between 2 opponents in darts? You throw a total of 6 darts. Now your simple brain may think, 'Oh, he's just gonna say that Goodrick is the Devil', well not at all! How many letters are in Louis? 5, how many letters are in Ashworth? 8, have you heard about the haunted locker room of Athenai? There, Triceracop has bowel movements, when? Around midday, remember what I said about bowel movements earlier! What time would most people call midday? 5, now what has been haunting Triceracop? A humanoid owl, 1 quick Google search sees that the SCP says that this creature has been designated as SCP-blank. Guess the blank?"
The reporters are all astonished. This defender has gone mad, all because of a bad run of form. But this makes headlines, so the reporter in question keeps egging Matias on.
Reporter #2: "Uuuh, 66585?"
Matias: "NO, what makes 8, 6+2, so it's designated as 5256. The extra 6 is just to throw you off, Death has 5 letters, adding an apostrophe and an s shouldn't add to the letter count. COINCIDENCE?? I suppose so, but it goes deeper. What does this owl have? A gun, and it's attached to his body. So if you connect the dots, this humanoid owl stalking Athenai's locker room is really a disciple of Death's Brood of Torment! But how would an Owl be part of AI-Deccan's disciples? Well, what has Goodrick recently done? He's become good. What was he previously? Bad, what is a humanoid owl with a gun attached to its body? Bad, now who is AI-deccan? If you remove the hyphen, it unscrambles to decani, what is a decani, you might ask? Well, it's the side of the church that the choir occupies, by the dean. What else happens in a church? Worship. So here it is, the final conclusion. Goodrick and this owl have been going to church to meet up with a choir so that they could serenade Sunday Death's Brood of Torment church goers, and the light is really just the beautiful melodies of the Sunday choir. This has all been a ruse and a collusion between Athenai, Louis, and Goodrick to get more people to go listen to their choir on Sundays. AND I WILL BE THERE!"
Matias blows into the mic, as a piece de resistance, shattering the reporters' eardrums and his own. His coach and organizational manager are dumbfounded. Matias then walks out of the room into the car park, where he takes his Fiat 500, which he fits in fine because he is a short central defender, back to his flat in downtown Montreal. News comes out the next day of the scenes that went on in that conference room, Matias didn't care. It was because he couldn't hear a single thing.
Reporter: "Matias, after a disappointing start to the season, what will you be doing going forward to improve Montreal's chances moving forward?"
Matias: "You know the philosopher Aristotle?"
Reporter #1: "Yeah, but what does that have to do with my question?"
Matias: "Nothing but I wish I were like him, heard some great stories about him, and Alexander the Great's wife!"
The reporter was flabbergasted as that had little to do with the matter, but they resigned as they sat back down. The reporters in the room were determined to get something out of the defender who had only recently been drafted from Atletico Medellin. Matias then found another reporter who seemed eager to ask a frivolous question to the defender, who clearly was not all there in the head.
Reporter #2: "Do you miss your days at Medellin? How has the transition been to the minors?"
Matias stares deeply into the reporter's soul, peering into the crevices of his heart, sending a chill down his own spine from what he sees. This ignites a fire under him as he responds to the reporter.
Matias: "I do miss it, and the transition hasn't been bad, but do you know what I really want to talk about? There is a conspiracy here in the SSL, players are being haunted, players are being mistreated, some even have mid-day bowel movements instead of going to the bathroom before the game, which may take place mid-day! So here is the conspiracy: Louis Ashworth starts his matchdays by throwing flaming darts at Goodrick Whitewood I. Goodrick Whitewood I has recently seen the light from AI-Deccan, calling himself a disciple of the Death's Brood of Torment. These disciples go by the name of ai-desk. Now let me ask you, is that related at all?"
The reporter is both confused and worried about the mental state of Matias. Yet the reporter entertains Matias.
Reporter #2: "No, not really."
Matias: "It's because you don't see it. How many letters are in Death's? 6, what do you do after 1 round between 2 opponents in darts? You throw a total of 6 darts. Now your simple brain may think, 'Oh, he's just gonna say that Goodrick is the Devil', well not at all! How many letters are in Louis? 5, how many letters are in Ashworth? 8, have you heard about the haunted locker room of Athenai? There, Triceracop has bowel movements, when? Around midday, remember what I said about bowel movements earlier! What time would most people call midday? 5, now what has been haunting Triceracop? A humanoid owl, 1 quick Google search sees that the SCP says that this creature has been designated as SCP-blank. Guess the blank?"
The reporters are all astonished. This defender has gone mad, all because of a bad run of form. But this makes headlines, so the reporter in question keeps egging Matias on.
Reporter #2: "Uuuh, 66585?"
Matias: "NO, what makes 8, 6+2, so it's designated as 5256. The extra 6 is just to throw you off, Death has 5 letters, adding an apostrophe and an s shouldn't add to the letter count. COINCIDENCE?? I suppose so, but it goes deeper. What does this owl have? A gun, and it's attached to his body. So if you connect the dots, this humanoid owl stalking Athenai's locker room is really a disciple of Death's Brood of Torment! But how would an Owl be part of AI-Deccan's disciples? Well, what has Goodrick recently done? He's become good. What was he previously? Bad, what is a humanoid owl with a gun attached to its body? Bad, now who is AI-deccan? If you remove the hyphen, it unscrambles to decani, what is a decani, you might ask? Well, it's the side of the church that the choir occupies, by the dean. What else happens in a church? Worship. So here it is, the final conclusion. Goodrick and this owl have been going to church to meet up with a choir so that they could serenade Sunday Death's Brood of Torment church goers, and the light is really just the beautiful melodies of the Sunday choir. This has all been a ruse and a collusion between Athenai, Louis, and Goodrick to get more people to go listen to their choir on Sundays. AND I WILL BE THERE!"
Matias blows into the mic, as a piece de resistance, shattering the reporters' eardrums and his own. His coach and organizational manager are dumbfounded. Matias then walks out of the room into the car park, where he takes his Fiat 500, which he fits in fine because he is a short central defender, back to his flat in downtown Montreal. News comes out the next day of the scenes that went on in that conference room, Matias didn't care. It was because he couldn't hear a single thing.
![[Image: Screenshot-2025-07-13-130408.png]](https://i.postimg.cc/4dD4Rs1R/Screenshot-2025-07-13-130408.png)
