2025-10-14, 11:36 AM - Word count:
I was recently asked which three SSL users I would want with me during a zombie apocalypse. This sounded like a fun little exercise for me to go around and learn about our beloved SSL users. So let’s get into it.
We have two main types of users we are considering. The first are the overall league powerhouses. The commissioners, power users, managers, etc. The second are people that I know well and would probably work well with in a doomsday scenario. It’s unfortunately impossible for me to go through everyone that should be considered, so I’m genuinely so sorry if I left you off the list. Except for @midknight. He’s just a bum.
Type 1 - Power users
@Canadice - League Commish
Who better to kick this tier off? Our beloved league commissioner Canadice. The all powerful man of this sim league that controls all. He’s been here since Season 1, and it’s impossible to not consider having this man by your side. Unfortunately, I don’t know Canadice very well, so I can’t say a lot about him, but I can be confident in saying that he’s hardworking and knows how to manage situations, which would be helpful when fighting zombies. Overall a solid choice but with no particular amazing attributes. I’ll give this man a 7/10 and hold him as the standard when screening.
@Zoone16 - League Co-Commish
I’m honestly not really sure what the co-commish position is supposed to mean. There’s no one else that has this position, and it seems Zoone is below Canadice in rank, so what is the “co-” part for? Regardless, Zoone is just as good of a choice as Canadice, with the added bonus that they’re around in the discord a bit more. I know Zoone religiously collects stickers, and are pretty good at it, so that’s got to be an added bonus. That’ll put em at a bit of a bump up, so a solid 7.5/10 score is well deserved.
@Daleks - Board of Directors and Shanghai AM
Now Daleks here is a good candidate. He’s my favorite person I know from Slovenia. Is he the only person I know from Slovenia? That’s not relevant. Serving on the Board of Directors, along with being an Assistant Manager in Shanghai, Daleks knows what he’s doing. While I’m unsure how well this translates into zombie apocalypses, I believe he’s a pretty good driver, so that should come in useful. I’ve seen him all over the place helping out, and I’m sure he’s done plenty of work, so let’s give him a nice 8/10.
@kahri - Board of Directors
I’m putting Kahri on here not just because she’s on the board of directors, but also because she’s a GM in the SHL and she has a sick honk banner. She’s shown good skills in multiple sim leagues, and I greatly value the fact that the Carolina server has a very tall tree. Although she famously “hates it here”, I would not at all hate having her on my team. I’ve seen Kahri be just as active as Daleks (albeit it’s mostly in the Carolian locker room), and I just love the fact that she is dedicated to the tree. Unfortunately, she isn’t super active in the ISFL so that’ll be a little dock. 7.5/10.
Type 2 - Friends
If you’re on this list. I know you and you know me decently well. This doesn’t mean you’re not a power user, but you just fit in this category better. If you’re in this list and you don’t consider me a friend… you hurt my feelings.
@roquefort - Stinky USP AM, Recruitment head
Roque is my absolute goat. He’s a big reason I’ve joined this league, and an amazing user. I know he’s very capable of doing lots of good work. Unfortunately, I am aware that he has some major character flaws. He’s very stinky. And a mouse. I’m not sure if a stinky mouse would do well in a zombie apocalypse. He could be good at getting into small spaces, he’d probably just abandon me. A 10/10 without these drawbacks, but his stinkiness makes me rate him at a -1/10.
@Summerstood - Sydney coach, USP GM
Summerstood is basically roque except he’s not stinky. He’s a great guy, does a lot of good stuff, and the USP locker room is a great place to be. Mostly because of the tree. Speaking of the tree, Summerstood has watered it more than anyone else. Even me, but I’m catching up. There might be some technical difficulties since Summerstood is in India, so I don’t know how we’d meet up in a zombie apocalypse, but I’m sure he’ll be great all the same. 9.5/10
@Domffl - Board of Directors, Hollywood GM
Dom is the Hollywood manager, and I know him from NOLA over in the ISFL. He’s a pretty cool guy too, and appreciates trees. I’m a bit concerned that he has never been to Boston in the fall, but hey, I haven’t ever either. I feel like I’ve used “good” and “great” 100 each, so I won’t bother elaborating about Dom. Overall very similar to Summerstood. 9.5/10.
@Crunk - Port Royal GM, File Updater
Crunk is my manager so I’m effectively being held hostage as a give him a score out of 10/10. I know if I don’t he’s going to make all of my ratings 0 in the next file. In all seriousness, Crunk is an absolute genius and I’m completely blessed to chance upon him as my manager. It is mildly annoying that he sim tested Arizona to smack Austin 52-7 in the conference championship a couple seasons ago. Yes I’m still salty. But overall a well deserved 10/10 to just slide him into first because having a tactician and data engineer sound like two great skills to have in a zombie apocalypse.
Conclusion
Well who do I choose to be with me in a zombie apocalypse? The answer is… drumroll please…
NONE OF YOU!
You all don’t live near me, there’s no way we can communicate and work together anyway! You bunch of SSL users are no help in a zombie apocalypse! Although maybe I’ll take Summerstood just for moral support. My player is a tribute to him afterall. The rest of you aren’t cool enough.
Afterword
There are still so many more people I want to give a shout but this was all just for a scouting question from @donut and I thought it’d be funny to write a long response. I should go grade bounties now. You all know there’s a backlog and the more I write I’m just adding to the pile lol. Have a great day everyone!
We have two main types of users we are considering. The first are the overall league powerhouses. The commissioners, power users, managers, etc. The second are people that I know well and would probably work well with in a doomsday scenario. It’s unfortunately impossible for me to go through everyone that should be considered, so I’m genuinely so sorry if I left you off the list. Except for @midknight. He’s just a bum.
Type 1 - Power users
@Canadice - League Commish
Who better to kick this tier off? Our beloved league commissioner Canadice. The all powerful man of this sim league that controls all. He’s been here since Season 1, and it’s impossible to not consider having this man by your side. Unfortunately, I don’t know Canadice very well, so I can’t say a lot about him, but I can be confident in saying that he’s hardworking and knows how to manage situations, which would be helpful when fighting zombies. Overall a solid choice but with no particular amazing attributes. I’ll give this man a 7/10 and hold him as the standard when screening.
@Zoone16 - League Co-Commish
I’m honestly not really sure what the co-commish position is supposed to mean. There’s no one else that has this position, and it seems Zoone is below Canadice in rank, so what is the “co-” part for? Regardless, Zoone is just as good of a choice as Canadice, with the added bonus that they’re around in the discord a bit more. I know Zoone religiously collects stickers, and are pretty good at it, so that’s got to be an added bonus. That’ll put em at a bit of a bump up, so a solid 7.5/10 score is well deserved.
@Daleks - Board of Directors and Shanghai AM
Now Daleks here is a good candidate. He’s my favorite person I know from Slovenia. Is he the only person I know from Slovenia? That’s not relevant. Serving on the Board of Directors, along with being an Assistant Manager in Shanghai, Daleks knows what he’s doing. While I’m unsure how well this translates into zombie apocalypses, I believe he’s a pretty good driver, so that should come in useful. I’ve seen him all over the place helping out, and I’m sure he’s done plenty of work, so let’s give him a nice 8/10.
@kahri - Board of Directors
I’m putting Kahri on here not just because she’s on the board of directors, but also because she’s a GM in the SHL and she has a sick honk banner. She’s shown good skills in multiple sim leagues, and I greatly value the fact that the Carolina server has a very tall tree. Although she famously “hates it here”, I would not at all hate having her on my team. I’ve seen Kahri be just as active as Daleks (albeit it’s mostly in the Carolian locker room), and I just love the fact that she is dedicated to the tree. Unfortunately, she isn’t super active in the ISFL so that’ll be a little dock. 7.5/10.
Type 2 - Friends
If you’re on this list. I know you and you know me decently well. This doesn’t mean you’re not a power user, but you just fit in this category better. If you’re in this list and you don’t consider me a friend… you hurt my feelings.
@roquefort - Stinky USP AM, Recruitment head
Roque is my absolute goat. He’s a big reason I’ve joined this league, and an amazing user. I know he’s very capable of doing lots of good work. Unfortunately, I am aware that he has some major character flaws. He’s very stinky. And a mouse. I’m not sure if a stinky mouse would do well in a zombie apocalypse. He could be good at getting into small spaces, he’d probably just abandon me. A 10/10 without these drawbacks, but his stinkiness makes me rate him at a -1/10.
@Summerstood - Sydney coach, USP GM
Summerstood is basically roque except he’s not stinky. He’s a great guy, does a lot of good stuff, and the USP locker room is a great place to be. Mostly because of the tree. Speaking of the tree, Summerstood has watered it more than anyone else. Even me, but I’m catching up. There might be some technical difficulties since Summerstood is in India, so I don’t know how we’d meet up in a zombie apocalypse, but I’m sure he’ll be great all the same. 9.5/10
@Domffl - Board of Directors, Hollywood GM
Dom is the Hollywood manager, and I know him from NOLA over in the ISFL. He’s a pretty cool guy too, and appreciates trees. I’m a bit concerned that he has never been to Boston in the fall, but hey, I haven’t ever either. I feel like I’ve used “good” and “great” 100 each, so I won’t bother elaborating about Dom. Overall very similar to Summerstood. 9.5/10.
@Crunk - Port Royal GM, File Updater
Crunk is my manager so I’m effectively being held hostage as a give him a score out of 10/10. I know if I don’t he’s going to make all of my ratings 0 in the next file. In all seriousness, Crunk is an absolute genius and I’m completely blessed to chance upon him as my manager. It is mildly annoying that he sim tested Arizona to smack Austin 52-7 in the conference championship a couple seasons ago. Yes I’m still salty. But overall a well deserved 10/10 to just slide him into first because having a tactician and data engineer sound like two great skills to have in a zombie apocalypse.
Conclusion
Well who do I choose to be with me in a zombie apocalypse? The answer is… drumroll please…
NONE OF YOU!
You all don’t live near me, there’s no way we can communicate and work together anyway! You bunch of SSL users are no help in a zombie apocalypse! Although maybe I’ll take Summerstood just for moral support. My player is a tribute to him afterall. The rest of you aren’t cool enough.
Afterword
There are still so many more people I want to give a shout but this was all just for a scouting question from @donut and I thought it’d be funny to write a long response. I should go grade bounties now. You all know there’s a backlog and the more I write I’m just adding to the pile lol. Have a great day everyone!
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