2022-05-19, 09:15 AM - Word count:
May 19th, 2022
Hello everyone! It's ace reporter "Little Fella" Richard "Pencil Dick" McWilliams here with a SHOCKING discovery! An under the table hush hush no mentions outside this room or your sister gets a spankin' deal has allegedly been signed between Bud-Lite "Large Box" McGuirk and MillerCoorsLLC for the Inter London star to begin the process of legally changing his name to Coors Light. The deal would see this SSL star as the face of Coors Light internationally and would fetch him a major deal of six thirty racks of Coors Light every week.
I took to the streets of St. Louis, the home of Anheuser-Busch, to get the thoughts of the people on this breaking story. "He WHAT?!", exclaimed one distraught Anheuser-Busch executive I caught in the parking garage. "Outta my way this isn't good! And security, why the hell is there some random reporter in here?! GET HIM THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" The locals shared the same anger and sentiments. "This is a disgrace, brother! His spitting on the face of this city and its people!", exclaimed "Jackknife" Willie Rogers, a local bartender in St. Louis. "I mean don't get me wrong angry locals will surely come in and buy more Bud-Lite now as payback and I just got a new shipment so I'm not angry at all HARHARHAR! What a minute, my door was locked how did you get in here-" Our interview was cut short due to clerical errors, but his words show only just a fraction of the FURY AND RAGE expressed by St. Louis natives. Bonfires burning everything from jerseys to posters and even Funko Pops of McGuirk erupted and continued late into the evening. "How is my son supposed to drink the same beer as his favorite player now?!", screeched a local mother. "This is madness! We work too hard in this city to be pushed aside!", bellowed a local discord mod. Needless to say, the city has surely turned on the man who put them on the map, just to take them right off again.
When asked about this deal, McGuirk stated, "What the-! Who the hell are you and how did you get in here?! Get this guy...!" The rest of his statement remains a mystery to me as my short-term memory often degrades when I am in intense fear for my life. BUT NO MATTER! I, ace reporter "Little Fella" Richard "Pencil Dick" McWilliams will get to the bottom of this story even if it causes great damage to my frontal lobe or even worse, my drawers. Stay tuned for more information as this MAJOR STORY unfolds!
Hello everyone! It's ace reporter "Little Fella" Richard "Pencil Dick" McWilliams here with a SHOCKING discovery! An under the table hush hush no mentions outside this room or your sister gets a spankin' deal has allegedly been signed between Bud-Lite "Large Box" McGuirk and MillerCoorsLLC for the Inter London star to begin the process of legally changing his name to Coors Light. The deal would see this SSL star as the face of Coors Light internationally and would fetch him a major deal of six thirty racks of Coors Light every week.
I took to the streets of St. Louis, the home of Anheuser-Busch, to get the thoughts of the people on this breaking story. "He WHAT?!", exclaimed one distraught Anheuser-Busch executive I caught in the parking garage. "Outta my way this isn't good! And security, why the hell is there some random reporter in here?! GET HIM THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" The locals shared the same anger and sentiments. "This is a disgrace, brother! His spitting on the face of this city and its people!", exclaimed "Jackknife" Willie Rogers, a local bartender in St. Louis. "I mean don't get me wrong angry locals will surely come in and buy more Bud-Lite now as payback and I just got a new shipment so I'm not angry at all HARHARHAR! What a minute, my door was locked how did you get in here-" Our interview was cut short due to clerical errors, but his words show only just a fraction of the FURY AND RAGE expressed by St. Louis natives. Bonfires burning everything from jerseys to posters and even Funko Pops of McGuirk erupted and continued late into the evening. "How is my son supposed to drink the same beer as his favorite player now?!", screeched a local mother. "This is madness! We work too hard in this city to be pushed aside!", bellowed a local discord mod. Needless to say, the city has surely turned on the man who put them on the map, just to take them right off again.
When asked about this deal, McGuirk stated, "What the-! Who the hell are you and how did you get in here?! Get this guy...!" The rest of his statement remains a mystery to me as my short-term memory often degrades when I am in intense fear for my life. BUT NO MATTER! I, ace reporter "Little Fella" Richard "Pencil Dick" McWilliams will get to the bottom of this story even if it causes great damage to my frontal lobe or even worse, my drawers. Stay tuned for more information as this MAJOR STORY unfolds!
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