2022-05-26, 08:03 PM - Word count:
A recent report claims that Inter London's Bud-Lite "Large Box" McGuirk has not only signed a deal with Miller Coors, but has also planned to change his name to Coors-Lite "Cold As the Rockies" McGuirk to really lean into the promotional potential. This earthshattering report sent the disturbing and seedy underworld of light beer drinkers into a frenzy worldwide. Team Budweiser families were devastated as an important cultural icon had betrayed them and Team Miller Coors families rejoiced. But I'm here to set the record straight and tell you that no such deal by McGuirk has been inked nor name been changed, or my name isn't "Big Fella" Dick "Crayola Richard" MacJohnson.
The rumors over the Miller Coors deal all started when Bud-Lite was seen at a party during the SSL offseason holding a can of crisp, delicious, cold as a witches teat in a brass bra, Coors Light. Eyewitnesses claim that a strange gentleman charged towards McGuirk seemingly out of nowhere only to rip off what appeared to be a prosthetic nose and shout, "Gene Parmesan, private eye, we got you now you piece of shit". The apparent Mr. Parmesan then withdrew a cell phone from his man purse and made a call: "Mr. Budweiser, he's right here it's all true". McGuirk responded, "Who the hell are you, what are you talking about man?" From that night, the chaos that has led to riots starting in the streets of downtown St. Louis and quickly spreading to metropolitan areas worldwide erupted.
Just days later, McGuirk held a press conference outside of his Boston home, where he resides during the offseason, in an attempt to help stop the aggression spreading like wildfire. Despite being assaulted by angry Budweiser fans throwing aluminum bottles of Bud Light being sold at the event for $18, McGuirk was able to issue the following statement:
"First let me start off by saying that it is truly devastating to see the absolute violence and bitterness that has come about because of all this. None of this was my doing, it was you all who decided to get upset about something that is not only blatantly false, but also of such little consequence that it is ridiculous. News flash: I'm not sponsored by Bud Light or Budweiser" [audible gasps from the crowd] "I don't even like Bud Light, my name's not even spelled like the beer" [boos from the crowd] "I drink beer. I like beer. But I'd much rather have a nice craft beer than whatever that watered down stuff is, I mean come on you all really like this stuff?"
Before McGuirk could say much more, security ushered him into the safety of his house as the unruly mob of Budweiser fans stormed the front porch. Rather than quell the great light beer wars that had begun, McGuirk had basically dumped gasoline on this dumpster fire. Craft beer fanatics soon joined the fray, taking to the street in support of McGuirk's statement. In major cities across the globe, seas of flannel shirts and unruly beards chanted "I LIKE BEER, I LIKE BEER". The debate of "at what percent ABV is a beer allowed to be called a beer?" dominated the headlines and airwaves. The conflict once centered around Bud-Lite McGuirk was no longer about the young footballer at all, but rather about the darkest parts of our humanity being brought forth like a bartender pouring a fresh pint of Guinness Draught Stout.
As the spotlight was no longer on him, Bud-Lite took the opportunity to lay low for a time by fleeing his hometown of Boston and flying down to Tijuana, Mexico. As an intrepid journo trying to follow the story, it was natural of me to follow him, keeping the main catalyst of this absolute shit blizzard in my line of sight. The last time I saw McGuirk, I had tailed him to a sleepy little bar in Tijuana last Tuesday afternoon. I slipped in after him and sat down at a table in a dark corner. McGuirk seated himself at the bar and ordered a beer. Being near the beach, it was only natural that it was a Corona, after all who wouldn't have a Corona at the beach? A man dressed in a poncho and sombrero was sitting next to McGuirk at the bar and turned to him. "Ah, Corona?", the man said. "Uhh yeah?", McGuirk replied. "Yousa an Americano?", the man asked. "Uhhh yeah hey buddy what-" "Americano eh, a justa like a me!" The man proceed to rip off his fake moustache and reveal his true identity: "Gene Parmesan, how you doing?" "YOU SON OF A BITCH", McGuirk shouted as he jumped on the man. Local authorities arrived on the scene quickly to break up the conflict and arrest McGuirk; he has not made a public appearance since and many speculate he may still be incarcerated in Tijuana.
In the meantime, Bud-Lite has once again become the center of media attention in the worst way possible. After the attack, Parmensan went to the press with his latest scoop. Within hours of the event, the New York Post had published an article with the headline: "Soccer's Biggest Bad Boy Brings Terror to the Tiny Town of Tijuana: A Furious Bud-Lite McGuirk Cleary Suffering From High Grade Beaver Tranquilizer-Induced Roid Rage Endangers Innocent Bystanders and Also Plans to Sign Deal with AB InBev to Become Official Spokesperson of Corona Light and Change Name to 'Corona-Lite "Nineteen" McGuirk' in Desperate Attempt to Gain Clout in the Wake of the COVID-19 Pandemic".
Bud-Lite was not available for comment because I still can't find him.
The rumors over the Miller Coors deal all started when Bud-Lite was seen at a party during the SSL offseason holding a can of crisp, delicious, cold as a witches teat in a brass bra, Coors Light. Eyewitnesses claim that a strange gentleman charged towards McGuirk seemingly out of nowhere only to rip off what appeared to be a prosthetic nose and shout, "Gene Parmesan, private eye, we got you now you piece of shit". The apparent Mr. Parmesan then withdrew a cell phone from his man purse and made a call: "Mr. Budweiser, he's right here it's all true". McGuirk responded, "Who the hell are you, what are you talking about man?" From that night, the chaos that has led to riots starting in the streets of downtown St. Louis and quickly spreading to metropolitan areas worldwide erupted.
Just days later, McGuirk held a press conference outside of his Boston home, where he resides during the offseason, in an attempt to help stop the aggression spreading like wildfire. Despite being assaulted by angry Budweiser fans throwing aluminum bottles of Bud Light being sold at the event for $18, McGuirk was able to issue the following statement:
"First let me start off by saying that it is truly devastating to see the absolute violence and bitterness that has come about because of all this. None of this was my doing, it was you all who decided to get upset about something that is not only blatantly false, but also of such little consequence that it is ridiculous. News flash: I'm not sponsored by Bud Light or Budweiser" [audible gasps from the crowd] "I don't even like Bud Light, my name's not even spelled like the beer" [boos from the crowd] "I drink beer. I like beer. But I'd much rather have a nice craft beer than whatever that watered down stuff is, I mean come on you all really like this stuff?"
Before McGuirk could say much more, security ushered him into the safety of his house as the unruly mob of Budweiser fans stormed the front porch. Rather than quell the great light beer wars that had begun, McGuirk had basically dumped gasoline on this dumpster fire. Craft beer fanatics soon joined the fray, taking to the street in support of McGuirk's statement. In major cities across the globe, seas of flannel shirts and unruly beards chanted "I LIKE BEER, I LIKE BEER". The debate of "at what percent ABV is a beer allowed to be called a beer?" dominated the headlines and airwaves. The conflict once centered around Bud-Lite McGuirk was no longer about the young footballer at all, but rather about the darkest parts of our humanity being brought forth like a bartender pouring a fresh pint of Guinness Draught Stout.
As the spotlight was no longer on him, Bud-Lite took the opportunity to lay low for a time by fleeing his hometown of Boston and flying down to Tijuana, Mexico. As an intrepid journo trying to follow the story, it was natural of me to follow him, keeping the main catalyst of this absolute shit blizzard in my line of sight. The last time I saw McGuirk, I had tailed him to a sleepy little bar in Tijuana last Tuesday afternoon. I slipped in after him and sat down at a table in a dark corner. McGuirk seated himself at the bar and ordered a beer. Being near the beach, it was only natural that it was a Corona, after all who wouldn't have a Corona at the beach? A man dressed in a poncho and sombrero was sitting next to McGuirk at the bar and turned to him. "Ah, Corona?", the man said. "Uhh yeah?", McGuirk replied. "Yousa an Americano?", the man asked. "Uhhh yeah hey buddy what-" "Americano eh, a justa like a me!" The man proceed to rip off his fake moustache and reveal his true identity: "Gene Parmesan, how you doing?" "YOU SON OF A BITCH", McGuirk shouted as he jumped on the man. Local authorities arrived on the scene quickly to break up the conflict and arrest McGuirk; he has not made a public appearance since and many speculate he may still be incarcerated in Tijuana.
In the meantime, Bud-Lite has once again become the center of media attention in the worst way possible. After the attack, Parmensan went to the press with his latest scoop. Within hours of the event, the New York Post had published an article with the headline: "Soccer's Biggest Bad Boy Brings Terror to the Tiny Town of Tijuana: A Furious Bud-Lite McGuirk Cleary Suffering From High Grade Beaver Tranquilizer-Induced Roid Rage Endangers Innocent Bystanders and Also Plans to Sign Deal with AB InBev to Become Official Spokesperson of Corona Light and Change Name to 'Corona-Lite "Nineteen" McGuirk' in Desperate Attempt to Gain Clout in the Wake of the COVID-19 Pandemic".
Bud-Lite was not available for comment because I still can't find him.
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