2022-04-21, 06:11 PM - Word count:
Ay yo it's ya boy, umm ol....ol......Ol Dump Truck Ass here to unload a shit ton of power rankings on ya. Definitely not biased or nothing, just the straight rankins scoop right here.
GET IT ON
1. Athenai F.C. (I don't know how to do the little thing on the e, I mean you get it): First up we got the team that I ripped the uniforms off of for theme week sort of so they get a good bump here. When it comes to picking good teams, don't get fancy with it you know? Athenai has consistently been one of the best teams in the league from the jump and they just keep doign the damn thing. I don't know if you hear too much about any of their players on a regular basis but that's cause they're just too busy putting in work on the pitch.
2. Inter London: I mean come on y'all Bluey. Also they score more than the xG says which means that they're even better than we thought they were and we let em off the hook. Clamalita or whatever they call themselves is one helll of a time for defenses to deal with.
3. Sydney City: This was some other team before I think, maybe, yes? WELL IT DOESN'T MATTER. Sydney 2: Revenge of the Roo, they're killing it right now. But it's volatile, they don't tie, it's against the law in Australia to tie. Don't... no don't look it up just trust me it is. I had this friend one time that wen there and played soccer there and she told me. Also my uncle works at Nintendo and they had to program it into the new mario soccer game cause of Mario's kangaroo sidekick Yoshi. Anyways that's besides the point. Owen Forty-Four sounds like what they'd name some robot and boy is the kid playing like a robot this season, leading the league in goals and makign a strong case for MVP. But look a little closer at the analytics and you'll see his expected name is only Owen Twenty-Seven so you gotta hold that against him I feel like.
4. Hollywood FC: Oh how the mighty have fallen, but just like a little I mean come on. This is a good team, even better than Shrek.
Oh no no I never said it was better than uh....
4. Shrek Team Racing though, that's be Ogre the line, it's a great game.
5. Hollywood FC: Ok there we go
6. CF Catalunya: I actually really like this team and they did beat Inter London so I guess they can ball out. They got that Bisquick fellow everyon'e talking about. But when it comes right down to it they're slipping away every week in the standings and they're barely above water in goal differential. They have a plan and they stick to it I mean just look how many passes this team makes. When you get right down to it though, the proof is in the pudding as they say, or as they say in Catalunya: pudding.....? (that can't be right, Google Translate, give me a break)
7. Montreal United (I'm just skipping the accent mark on this one too. So sue me, I'll have you know I know like 2.5 lawyers): I wanna say I feel like this team is underrated, but maybe I just don't pay enough attention. Ahhh who am I kidding I definitely don't pay enough attention. I'm just here for the halftime shows really. Ok uh right Montreal they got 4 ties. Turn those frowns upside down and they'd have 6 wins and be in like third place. Yes yes I know we have ties in soccer and it matters, I mean except in Australia though. Alright just move this team to Australia and they'd be in third. Thasss about it folks. I mean really Australia is a nice place. Used to be where you sent like criminals and stuff but now they got all kinds of cool stuff there. Kind of ironic right? Ah I guess that's the way the whole durned human comedy keeps perpetuatin' itself down through the generations. Westward the wagons, across the sands of time until we - ah, look at me. I'm ramblin' again. What number are we on again?
10. CA Bueno Aires: I thought I didn't have enough to say about Montreal but now I'm really struggling. I mena I guess same advice, ya shoulda moved the team to Australia too, that seems to be the secret trick to making a good new team, that's all I got. Oh sheeet you guys got Pasta the Turtle? Y'all are alright with me. I mean this team might be even better than Shrek!
No no no I didn't uh I didn't mean it was better than....
11. Gameboy Shrek: Guys, I don't really like this one but don't tell Donkey.
12. Tokyo S.C.: I don't even like this team's colors, but that's just me. Second worst goal differential in the league. I mean this team was good once...I think? I wasn't even in the league so doesn't count. Hey as long as you're having fun.
13. Cairo City: They got Torres. Is that even a pro or a con at this point though? I don't know, choose your own adventure with that I guess.
Well if you made it this far, thanks for joining me in losing a few IQ points along the way. For your troubles I'll even let you in on a little secret here, you ready? (whispers) "be sure to drink your ovaltine"
Ohhh forgot Seoul. I guess put them after uh...the hmmm.......put em after the Shrek Treasure Hunt game, yeah.
Alright Bagel out
GET IT ON
1. Athenai F.C. (I don't know how to do the little thing on the e, I mean you get it): First up we got the team that I ripped the uniforms off of for theme week sort of so they get a good bump here. When it comes to picking good teams, don't get fancy with it you know? Athenai has consistently been one of the best teams in the league from the jump and they just keep doign the damn thing. I don't know if you hear too much about any of their players on a regular basis but that's cause they're just too busy putting in work on the pitch.
2. Inter London: I mean come on y'all Bluey. Also they score more than the xG says which means that they're even better than we thought they were and we let em off the hook. Clamalita or whatever they call themselves is one helll of a time for defenses to deal with.
3. Sydney City: This was some other team before I think, maybe, yes? WELL IT DOESN'T MATTER. Sydney 2: Revenge of the Roo, they're killing it right now. But it's volatile, they don't tie, it's against the law in Australia to tie. Don't... no don't look it up just trust me it is. I had this friend one time that wen there and played soccer there and she told me. Also my uncle works at Nintendo and they had to program it into the new mario soccer game cause of Mario's kangaroo sidekick Yoshi. Anyways that's besides the point. Owen Forty-Four sounds like what they'd name some robot and boy is the kid playing like a robot this season, leading the league in goals and makign a strong case for MVP. But look a little closer at the analytics and you'll see his expected name is only Owen Twenty-Seven so you gotta hold that against him I feel like.
4. Hollywood FC: Oh how the mighty have fallen, but just like a little I mean come on. This is a good team, even better than Shrek.
Oh no no I never said it was better than uh....
4. Shrek Team Racing though, that's be Ogre the line, it's a great game.
5. Hollywood FC: Ok there we go
6. CF Catalunya: I actually really like this team and they did beat Inter London so I guess they can ball out. They got that Bisquick fellow everyon'e talking about. But when it comes right down to it they're slipping away every week in the standings and they're barely above water in goal differential. They have a plan and they stick to it I mean just look how many passes this team makes. When you get right down to it though, the proof is in the pudding as they say, or as they say in Catalunya: pudding.....? (that can't be right, Google Translate, give me a break)
7. Montreal United (I'm just skipping the accent mark on this one too. So sue me, I'll have you know I know like 2.5 lawyers): I wanna say I feel like this team is underrated, but maybe I just don't pay enough attention. Ahhh who am I kidding I definitely don't pay enough attention. I'm just here for the halftime shows really. Ok uh right Montreal they got 4 ties. Turn those frowns upside down and they'd have 6 wins and be in like third place. Yes yes I know we have ties in soccer and it matters, I mean except in Australia though. Alright just move this team to Australia and they'd be in third. Thasss about it folks. I mean really Australia is a nice place. Used to be where you sent like criminals and stuff but now they got all kinds of cool stuff there. Kind of ironic right? Ah I guess that's the way the whole durned human comedy keeps perpetuatin' itself down through the generations. Westward the wagons, across the sands of time until we - ah, look at me. I'm ramblin' again. What number are we on again?
10. CA Bueno Aires: I thought I didn't have enough to say about Montreal but now I'm really struggling. I mena I guess same advice, ya shoulda moved the team to Australia too, that seems to be the secret trick to making a good new team, that's all I got. Oh sheeet you guys got Pasta the Turtle? Y'all are alright with me. I mean this team might be even better than Shrek!
No no no I didn't uh I didn't mean it was better than....
11. Gameboy Shrek: Guys, I don't really like this one but don't tell Donkey.
12. Tokyo S.C.: I don't even like this team's colors, but that's just me. Second worst goal differential in the league. I mean this team was good once...I think? I wasn't even in the league so doesn't count. Hey as long as you're having fun.
13. Cairo City: They got Torres. Is that even a pro or a con at this point though? I don't know, choose your own adventure with that I guess.
Well if you made it this far, thanks for joining me in losing a few IQ points along the way. For your troubles I'll even let you in on a little secret here, you ready? (whispers) "be sure to drink your ovaltine"
Ohhh forgot Seoul. I guess put them after uh...the hmmm.......put em after the Shrek Treasure Hunt game, yeah.
Alright Bagel out
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