A Brief Introduction; or, Turd Ferguson's Backstory

[Turd Ferguson]

Gather round everyone because it is story time! This is the story of how Turd Ferguson came to be, and found himself on the path to soccer stardom. While no one is entirely sure where Turd came from, everyone agrees that a newborn baby with a mustache and wearing a very large hat appeared one day in the papal apartments, crying like a bat out of hell. Little Turd was taken in by the Pope and raised to be a priest, but he eschewed his duties and instead spent all of his time kicking various spherical objects around Vatican City. Eventually, Turd started shirking his priestly responsibilities, skipping mass and his chores to play games of street ball with the local papal urchins. When the Pope got wind of this he sat Turd down and gave him a stern talking to, warning him that he could either choose the Church or soccer, but not both. This proved to be a mistake, as the now teenaged Turd chose soccer and left the Vatican that night in search of gainful employment as a purveyor of all soccer related arts. After a long period of travel and inner contemplation, Turd was discovered on the streets of Rome heading soccer balls into various objects for cash. His new coaches with the Victoria Eagles knew that they had the makings of a new star on their hands, they just had to spend some time molding him into the next great wingback. Turd’s journey had only just begun.

[Domffl]

I tried reading this to the tune of Fresh Prince for way too long.


I do love the line "no one is entirely sure where Turd came from."

[ReadySalted]

Magical