2026-04-12, 02:34 PM - Word count:
I recently got downvoted to -1 reputation by Matt Turk because he's a spiteful little bitch. I quite liked it. That got me thinking - how could I get a worse forum reputation? Asking isn't good enough - I have to actually annoy people. From previous sim league experience I know the best way to do this is through controversial media.
But here's the thing, to commit to writing a properly annoying media piece, I need to believe in what I write. So I searched my soul for something that I believe probably won't go down well.
Then I realised - I have a problem with far more of the SSL team names than is probably healthy. Let me explain:
For me, football clubs tend to be steeped in the local history and culture of the places they belong to. They are living, breathing community organisms. Unless you watch the MLS, then they're just franchises... and that's fine, unless the franchise is clumsily appropriating something that it clearly hasn't understood.
Let's look at two examples:
Real Madrid - The title "Real" (royal) was formally granted to the club by King Alfonso XIII in 1920, cementing the team’s identity as a symbol of the Spanish monarchy. Great name, huge cultural significance.
Real Salt Lake - Someone in Utah making a football team said "hey, Real sounds cool" and lifted it. They were wrong. Terrible name, cringey cultural appropriation.
I like a club name that reflects a local area in a culturally sensitive manner. I'm happy to offer the Salt Lake Soakers as a much more appropriate name for that particular franchise. If you don't understand why, don't look it up. Seriously.
With all that said, I am going to be picking out the 5 worst names in the SSL.
- Clumsy attempts at a given language
- Mindless appropriation of club appellatives (Real, United, etc)
- General weird cultural mismatching
Anyway, let's do this.
5. Club Deportivo Tenochtitlan
This is just cultural weirdness. For those who aren't aware, Tenochtitlan was the Aztec capital that was destroyed to build Mexico City when the Spanish conquered it. They didn't just destroy it, they drained the lake it sat in. That whole area is now Mexico City. I doubt many Aztecs are around to be offended by this name, but that's also kind of my point.
4. Rapid Magyar Sport Club
So, this centres around the use of the word "Magyar", which is basically Hungarian for "Hungarian". And sure, it's used in football clubs (see MTK Budapest FC) but like... this name uses "Magyar" as though it's a location, and combined with the rest of the title being in English, that just reads weird.
3. Liffeyside Celtic Football Club
Yeah, this is my team. "Liffeyside" irks me, for some reason, but that's not why it's on this list. Celtic is a fairly common appellative in certain parts of the world. It has traditionally used in placed where clubs were founded by, or with the intention to honour, the local Irish diaspora. You know where they don't use it, because they have no need to honour the diaspora? Ireland.
2. Académie de Football Masques Sacrés de Duékoué
The Masques Sacrés (sacred masks) are hand-carved, highly revered spiritual objects in many African cultures. Using them as a mascot is somewhere between calling a football team "the Communion wafers" and "the Turin shrouds". Certainly not incongruous, but a bit disrespectful, perhaps.
1. Athletice Clava Romana
Man, this is easily the dregs of Google Translate. "Clava" is the Latin word for a club... if you mean the kind of club Fred Flintstone holds. Not a sporting organisation. Also, "Athletice" doesn't really work here to mean "Athletic", it's just bad grammar. "Romana" does mean "Roman" though, so... 1/3? Sorry, former club. The purple is cool.
But here's the thing, to commit to writing a properly annoying media piece, I need to believe in what I write. So I searched my soul for something that I believe probably won't go down well.
Then I realised - I have a problem with far more of the SSL team names than is probably healthy. Let me explain:
For me, football clubs tend to be steeped in the local history and culture of the places they belong to. They are living, breathing community organisms. Unless you watch the MLS, then they're just franchises... and that's fine, unless the franchise is clumsily appropriating something that it clearly hasn't understood.
Let's look at two examples:
Real Madrid - The title "Real" (royal) was formally granted to the club by King Alfonso XIII in 1920, cementing the team’s identity as a symbol of the Spanish monarchy. Great name, huge cultural significance.
Real Salt Lake - Someone in Utah making a football team said "hey, Real sounds cool" and lifted it. They were wrong. Terrible name, cringey cultural appropriation.
I like a club name that reflects a local area in a culturally sensitive manner. I'm happy to offer the Salt Lake Soakers as a much more appropriate name for that particular franchise. If you don't understand why, don't look it up. Seriously.
With all that said, I am going to be picking out the 5 worst names in the SSL.
- Clumsy attempts at a given language
- Mindless appropriation of club appellatives (Real, United, etc)
- General weird cultural mismatching
Anyway, let's do this.
5. Club Deportivo Tenochtitlan
This is just cultural weirdness. For those who aren't aware, Tenochtitlan was the Aztec capital that was destroyed to build Mexico City when the Spanish conquered it. They didn't just destroy it, they drained the lake it sat in. That whole area is now Mexico City. I doubt many Aztecs are around to be offended by this name, but that's also kind of my point.
4. Rapid Magyar Sport Club
So, this centres around the use of the word "Magyar", which is basically Hungarian for "Hungarian". And sure, it's used in football clubs (see MTK Budapest FC) but like... this name uses "Magyar" as though it's a location, and combined with the rest of the title being in English, that just reads weird.
3. Liffeyside Celtic Football Club
Yeah, this is my team. "Liffeyside" irks me, for some reason, but that's not why it's on this list. Celtic is a fairly common appellative in certain parts of the world. It has traditionally used in placed where clubs were founded by, or with the intention to honour, the local Irish diaspora. You know where they don't use it, because they have no need to honour the diaspora? Ireland.
2. Académie de Football Masques Sacrés de Duékoué
The Masques Sacrés (sacred masks) are hand-carved, highly revered spiritual objects in many African cultures. Using them as a mascot is somewhere between calling a football team "the Communion wafers" and "the Turin shrouds". Certainly not incongruous, but a bit disrespectful, perhaps.
1. Athletice Clava Romana
Man, this is easily the dregs of Google Translate. "Clava" is the Latin word for a club... if you mean the kind of club Fred Flintstone holds. Not a sporting organisation. Also, "Athletice" doesn't really work here to mean "Athletic", it's just bad grammar. "Romana" does mean "Roman" though, so... 1/3? Sorry, former club. The purple is cool.
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