Academy passing statistics in a alternate universe

[Jeanious]

Football statistics are supposed to help explain the game. Passing networks, creativity and buildups. All those fancy words analysts use in their little shows while drawing and pointing at arrows on a screen. Unfortunately for everyone involved, the academy index appears to have suffered a complete tactical and mental breakdown somewhere along the way, analysts have been unable to point to the reason why. Even Alex Peña who normally dominates every passing graph like some kind of creative dictator seems to have entered an alternate universe where other players are legally allowed to touch the ball too.

So instead of asking “who is the best passer?”, we are now asking much more important questions. Like why Scorp E. Unshark suddenly became the greatest allround footballer of all time according to the numbers. Or how Umaq Yupanqui achieved a perfect passing accuracy while possibly touching the ball twice all season. Somewhere inside this statistics disaster there are probably real conclusions hiding, but honestly at this point we’re just enjoying the ride and pretending this is our new truth.

Pass %
Passing percentage is usually one of the more boring and lowest impact statistics in football. Short passes, safe choices and defenders passing sideways 40 times a game and everyone pretending it means tactical control. This week however, the index appears to have achieved enlightenment.


Leading the academy with a perfect 100% pass completion is the one and only goalkeeper, Umaq Yupanqui. Not 99%,99.8% or 99.7% but a perfect score. According to the data Umaq has never misplaced a pass in his life. Some analysts are calling him the reincarnation of prime Pirlo. Others have pointed out he may have completed one pass in total. Either way, we might find out later but for now we just go with it.

Right behind him sits Jimothy Erickson on 98.2% followed by Alex Peña on 96.3%, because apparently even in a statistics alternate universe Peña still refuses to leave the top three. Meanwhile Nacho Kusora casually appearing with 94.4% pass accuracy suggests one of two things, either he has evolved into a technical mastermind overnight, or every pass counted was a 2 meter layoff under absolutely zero pressure. Both are equally possible at this stage.

Successful passes
If pass percentage is about quality then successful passes is about volume. Or at least that’s what it used to mean before the index started generating numbers like it was being threatened at gunpoint..


Scorp E. Unshark is leading the entire academy with 465 successful passes, which is honestly an insane number no matter how you look at it. At this point we’re not fully convinced Scorp is a defender anymore. There is a very real possibility he’s just been playing every position and the system has given up.

Behind him sits Ozzy Boudreaux with 339 passes and Josh Harper with 313, both putting up numbers that suggest they may have touched the ball every 4 seconds for an entire week. Meanwhile Moew enBach showing up with 297 successful passes as a goalkeeper feels slightly concerning for everyone else. Either he’s become a deep-lying playmaker or his team has fully abandoned their responsibilities and left him to run the midfield himself. Looking at the latest results of Stockholm this seems very likely.

Progressive passes
Progressive passes are supposed to measure who actually moves the ball forward instead of just passing sideways pretending to control the game. In theory this statistic helps identify forward moving passers. In practice, it currently looks like the index picked names out of a hat while blindfolded. Or maybe used one of those Harry Potter selection hats.


Scorp E. Unshark once again sits at the top with 87 progressive passes, which means he is either the greatest ball progressor in academy history or has somehow discovered football’s version of duplication glitches. At this point every attack in the league apparently starts with Scorp passing the ball, even when he's not playing. Some teams are reportedly considering just marking him with 4 players or placing a hit on his kneecaps.

Josh Harper and Ozzy Boudreaux follow behind with 48 and 47 while Jayson Bryzski and Bruce McAllister stay close enough to suggest the midfield battle this season is being decided entirely by vibes, thoughts and prayers. Chris Walker VI appearing in the top 10 is also worth mentioning because according to several eyewitnesses half his progressive passes may have been accidental ricochets. The index however does not care about intent, only vibes.

Cross %
Cross percentage is one of those stats that can either make a player look like prime Beckham or someone randomly kicking the ball into the box and YOLO'ing it. Usually there’s some middle ground. The index has decided we do not need that anymore.


Barry McGlynn and S Sei are both sitting on a completely flawless 100% cross accuracy which sounds impressive until you realize that statistically this probably means they each delivered one cross directly onto somebody’s forehead and retired from crossing forever. Still, perfection is perfection and we will not elaborate further.

Jack Pow follows with 66.6%, showing that he might be the devil because why not. while Jayson Bryzski and Don Banjo somehow both land on exactly 40%, which feels suspiciously organised for a completely broken system. Alex Peña appears again in 7th because apparently even in this statistical alternate universe he legally cannot stop creating chances. Josh Harper rounding out the top 10 with 27.2% also proves something important: sometimes confidence matters more than accuracy and we respect Josh for trying, but please stop, Josh.

Successful crosses
Successful crosses usually helps identify dangerous wide players. Players with vision, technique and precision. This week it mostly identifies with who the index felt emotionally connected to or could use the extra support.


Leading the chart is Arsene Cardinet with 17 successful crosses which is genuinely impressive until you realize the system also believes Scorp E. Unshark is the second best crosser in the academy. At this point Scorp has appeared in so many passing statistics that analysts are beginning to suspect something might be wrong.. Maybe a relative is in charge of 'tracking' these statistics?

Nigel Mendoza takes 3rd with 13 successful crosses, while Nick Kasak and Chris Walker VI round out the upper group. Then things become slightly more unhinged. Alexandre Canal appears despite barely existing in previous conversations. Josh Harper somehow lands in the top 10 with only 3 successful crosses, and Alex Peña sneaks into another creative statistic because the football gods simply refuse to let him rest. Even when the index breaks, Peña still finds a way to haunt the numbers. What is the rest doing when 3 successful crosses end up in a top 10?

Successful open play crosses
Open play crosses are supposed to remove set pieces from the equation and show who can actually create danger during regular football. Instead it has mostly confirmed that Scorp E. Unshark is apparently capable of everything except paying taxes, we know what you did Scorp.


Scorp leads the league with 14 successful open play crosses and completing his transformation from defender into some kind of all knowing football entity, or maybe he has 2D football manager vision. By now he has appeared in so many categories that people have stopped questioning it entirely, Look at me, Scorp is Peña now (Funny captain meme, right guys?). Surely at this point Scorp is also credited with 14 clean sheets, what a vibey player.

Behind him sits Nick Kasak on 8, followed by Nigel Mendoza and Maurjiro Rivers on 6. Arsene Cardinet drops slightly compared to the regular crossing chart which probably means half his dangerous balls came from set pieces instead of open play, probably crossing the ball from penalties. Meanwhile Alex Peña, Bruce McAllister, Owen Goal and Josh Harper are all tied on 3, proving that the academy is horrible at crossing.

Key passes
Key passes are usually where the real creativity shows up. The final ball, the moment before cheers, the assist that almost was. In this dataset it mostly shows three players arguing over who is actually allowed to be creative at any given time.


Arsene Cardinet, Bruce McAllister and Nick Kasak all sit joint top on 29 key passes which is already suspiciously balanced, well as far as 29 key passes is balanced. Either we have a perfectly shared creative midfield system or the index has decided equality is the only acceptable outcome for football. Either way, it's a tie at the top.

Behind them Ozzy Boudreaux and Scorp E. Unshark both land on 25. Continuing Scorp’s ongoing campaign of appearing in literally every passing metric available, regardless of role, position or logic. Nigel Mendoza, Josh Harper and Chris Walker VI form a very even mid table group on 16, which feels less like ranking and more like the system ran out of ideas and started recycling numbers. Then Jayson Bryzski and Dante Von Wolfe close it out. Quietly involved but just slightly less influential when it comes to the final pass before things happen.

Open play key passes
Open play key passes are where creativity is supposed to look clean and structured. It now mostly looks like Nick Kasak trying to carry the entire concept of “total football” on his back while everyone runs around in confusion.


Nick Kasak leads with 28 open play key passes, stepping out of the “shared leadership pact”. We saw in the previous key pass chart and just taking control outright. It’s the first time in a while someone has looked genuinely dominant rather than politely sharing responsibility with three other players, very cool!

Ozzy Boudreaux follows on 25, with Scorp E. Unshark again refusing to leave any passing statistic unbothered, sitting third on 24 like he has personally decided that this will be the number, or maybe that relative. Bruce McAllister and Arsene Cardinet remain in the top five but drop slightly compared to the broader key pass numbers. Further down, Josh Harper and Jayson Bryzski stay steady in the mid pack, while Blaise N’Kufo quietly appears in the top 10, presumably out of nowhere, as is tradition in this dataset.

Chances created
Chances created is usually the stat where final output starts to matter more than buildup noise. In theory it tells you who is actually producing attacking moments that lead somewhere. In practice this dataset has already established that theory is optional and nothing matters.


Bruce McAllister leads with 15 chances created which immediately raises questions about whether he is a midfielder, a relative to Scorp, or just permanently standing in the right place at the right time. Maybe move around a bit Bruce? Ozzy Boudreaux follows on 11 while Nick Kasak drops slightly to 10, suggesting his creativity is either spreading out across other statistics or being redistributed by the index for balance purposes.

Scorp E. Unshark continues his unavoidable presence on passing statistics with 9, now officially at the stage where his name appearing is no surprise and business as usual. Below that a group of players including Mullet Man, Saba Kvekvetsia, Josh Harper, Nigel Mendoza and Owen Goal all sit on 6, how convenient. Nobody stands out, everyone contributes, and absolutely none of it feels emotionally stable.

xA (Expected assists)
xA or expected assists, is supposed to be the real creativity. It removes finishing and tells you who should be getting assists based on the quality of chances created. In this dataset, it mostly tells you the index is still recovering from whatever it did earlier and has no idea who plays where in the academy.


Bruce McAllister tops the list again with 4.76 xA, reinforcing the uncomfortable idea that he might actually be the main creative engine in this universe rather than Scorp. Nick Kasak follows closely on 4.5, with Arsene Cardinet on 4.3, forming a very tight top three that looks almost too normal compared to everything else we’ve seen.

Behind them, Scorp E. Unshark continues his unavoidable existence on 3.5, because apparently even “expected” statistics cannot escape him. Ozzy Boudreaux sits just behind on 3.4, while Dante Von Wolfe, Owen Goal and Saba Kvekvetsia fill out a fairly stable mid table. Then Alexandre Canal appears at the bottom of the top 10 with 1.7, quietly existing in the dataset like he was just spawned there to complete the spreadsheet rather than play football.

Fun to see that in this universe Dante is attempting to get assists instead of goals, maybe hoping for more success.

Assists
Assists are usually the one stat where chaos finally resolves into something. Someone passes, someone scores, end of story. In this dataset even that simple agreement seems to be under administrative review.


Arsene Cardinet and Bruce McAllister both sit top on 6 assists, which feels like the only truly stable outcome across the entire passing ecosystem. Nick Kasak follows closely on 5, just slightly behind the shared leadership. Continuing his theme of being “almost top of everything” without fully taking control of any single category, do better Nick.

Below them Luis Fonseca and Dante Von Wolfe both register 3 assists alongside Scorp E. Unshark, who has now officially completed the full transformation into a universal constant across all passing statistics. Nigel Mendoza, Josh Harper, Owen Goal and Saba Kvekvetsia all sit on 2, forming a very familiar mid pack group that shows up everywhere but never breaks up. It’s the statistical equivalent of being consistently involved in the conversation but never actually finishing the sentence. Or when someone says the joke louder that you just said, dick move..

Seems like that success did not come for Dante, maybe in the next universe.

Who keeps showing up?
Across the passing dataset there are a few repeat offenders.

Bruce McAllister is a very consistent performer and at the top end of multiple statistics. He shows up in chances created (1st), xA (1st), assists (joint 1st) and is in the top group for key passes. That combination basically marks him as the main creative player of the academy. Regardless of whether the statistic is “realised output” or underlying chance quality.

Nick Kasak is the other player that keeps showing up. He appears in successful passes (6th), open play key passes (1st), chances created (3rd), xA (2nd) and assists (3rd). He’s not always the number 1 but he’s almost always near the top which usually shows a player heavily involved in buildup and final third progression.

Then there is Arsene Cardinet who is slightly more volatile but still extremely consistent. He shows up in key passes, xA (3rd), and assists (joint 1st), and is also present in several highly creative outputs. When he appears it tends to be in high impact zones rather than accumulation statistics.

Finally, Scorp E. Unshark deserves a category of his own, the Peña category if you will . He appears across successful passes, progressive passes, successful crosses, open play crosses, key passes, chances created, xA, and assists. He is less a “consistent performer” and more a recurring system variable that the dataset cannot stop injecting into passing statistics.

In short, McAllister and Kasak are your creative core, Cardinet is the high impact provider, and Scorp is the statistical anomaly that refuses to stay in a single tactical definition.
But in the end, who cares it's all vibe based.

Passing impact
The “biggest passing impact” statistic is basically the attempt to compress everything into one singular truth, who actually drives the passing game forward across all contexts. Or at least, who the index decided deserves the plastic crown.


Jayson Bryzski tops the entire academy with 13.53 impact, which is slightly unexpected given he hasn’t been the most dominant name in individual passing categories. This usually suggests a strong allround contribution rather than outright leadership in one area, or alternatively that the model briefly got emotionally attached to his data profile.

Behind him sits Arsene Cardinet on 12.22, continuing his pattern of appearing wherever output actually matters, whether that’s assists, key passes or xA. Scorp E. Unshark follows closely again on 11.71, based on vibes. If there is a passing statistic, Scorp is already inside it.

Nigel Mendoza, Bruce McAllister and Nick Kasak form a tightly packed mid tier of highly influential creators, all within a narrow band of impact scores, reinforcing the idea that the creativity of the academy is not a single player system but a rotating set of players. Saba Kvekvetsia sits just behind them, while Alexandre Canal marks the start of the lower impact tier.

Then there is a very noticeable drop off to Ozzy Boudreaux and Josh Harper. Suggesting that while they are active in passing networks, their overall influence across the full statistical model is significantly lower than the top creative group.

In short: Bryzski leads according to the impact model, Cardinet and Scorp are right behind him and McAllister and Kasak remain the consistent backbone of the passing statistics even when they’re not always top of individual charts. Do not ask me how Scorp ended third after putting up insane numbers, it's all vibes in here.