SSL Season 1 Prospect Draft: A (Very Long) Retrospective

[Metafiction]

In the early hours of November 11, 2021 (in the US Eastern time zone, anyway), user siddhus, one of the founders of the fledgling Simulation Soccer League, posted the first-ever SSL draft thread. Though a ball had yet to be kicked, this marked the official beginning of the SSL as we know it — a league that, over two and a half years and fifteen seasons later, is still going strong.

Six teams took part in that inaugural SSL Draft: Athênai FC, Cairo City, FC Rio (which became Seoul Mythic after Season 2), Hollywood FC, Inter London and Tokyo SC. Unlike the current draft structure, which sees picks being made in a private Discord channel and ultimately live-streamed in total once all selections have been made, managers selected prospects directly in the draft thread, tagging both the user selected and the next manager in the draft order. There was also no pick trading in this inaugural draft, and — for the first and only time in SSL history to date — selections were ordered in a snake format (i.e. the team that picked last in Round 1, in this case Tokyo SC, picked first in Round 2). In all, 54 players were selected across 9 rounds.

With Season 15 officially in the books and the Season 16 prospect draft looming, I think this is a good opportunity to take a look back at this first batch of sim athletes and see what became of them — whether they flamed out after a season or two, are still playing today or called it a day somewhere in between.

Initially I was going to only do in-depth player retrospectives for the first three rounds or so, and then summarize some notables that went after that point. But then I realized I have no social life or meaningful hobbies that wouldn’t give a full enough picture of the league’s earliest days. So f**k it, we’ll do it live — and by “live” I of course mean “in its entirety because I have way too much free time on my hands”. Let’s ride.

(DISCLAIMER: As the SSL is the only sim league I’ve ever participated in, I have no real insight into the histories of users outside what I can glean from the forum and the SSL index, so I’ll be limiting the scope of my commentary to this forum only — apologies to those looking for hot gossip from elsewhere.)

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ROUND 1

1. Cairo City: Alessio Calvatore, DMC (Urq660) - As the very first draft pick in SSL history, Calvatore would go on to have a steady, if overall unspectacular, career. The holding midfielder would spend five seasons in the shadow of the Pyramids, recording a career-high average rating of 7.2 in Season 4. He then took part in three of Hollywood FC’s four consecutive league titles in Seasons 6-8 before fading into obscurity after his final two seasons, split between one-year stints in Montreal and Cape Town. Urq660 was named Cairo Manager for Season 2 following the departure of original manager Will3, but appears to have only held the post for a single season, and has not posted on the forum since being traded to Kaapstad ahead of Season 10.
   
2. FC Rio: Seb Henry, GK (Shay) - Two picks in and we’ve already hit the first official SSL bust. Shay appears to have gone inactive immediately after accepting their rookie contract, and Henry made all of one appearance for Rio, in which they conceded 4 goals in a losing effort. Hey, they can’t all be legends, I guess. (Also, the forum no longer lets you use the FC Rio logo, and I was up against the image limit anyway, so no fancy graphic for Rio. Sorry.)
   
3. Inter London: Nevin Kisbet, AMC/AML (ConnorM123) - Another player who seems to have immediately fallen off the face of the earth, Kisbet was drafted as a striker but immediately rerolled to an attacking mid. And “mid” is certainly an apt term here, as Kisbet lasted only two seasons in the SSL — one with London and one with Season 2 expansion club Montréal United — contributing to just 12 goals all told.
   
4. Athênai FC: Deedee Yoker, WBL (Asked Madden) - The first true star taken in the draft. Yoker was a stalwart for a perennially underachieving Athênai contingent for many seasons, before eventually joining the Reykjavik United juggernaut in Season 9. Yoker facilitated a more-than-respectable 78 goals in their career, combining with a lifetime tackle success rate of 80.71% and a record 735 interceptions in league play. Madden would remain active through Season 11, but has not been heard from since October 2023. As for Yoker, their career appears to be all but over, as they languished in free agency during Season 15 — an ignominious end for a player that was truly one of the league’s early standouts.
   
5. Hollywood FC: Scott Sterling, GK (AgentSmith) - Sterling immediately became one of the SSL’s most prominent netminders, recording an impressive 107 clean sheets through 15 seasons. Not only that, but Sterling saved just under 75% of the shots he faced in his career — admittedly, most of them with his face. His performances won him no less than six Golden Glove awards, the most among all goalkeepers, and was between the sticks for all five of Hollywood’s league titles. In his final season, he led North Shore United to the Minor League title and saved two penalties in a shootout victory over parent club Reykjavik to give the New Zealand club their first SSL Cup. AgentSmith has been active in the SSL from the beginning, and is currently a highly-valued member of the Sim Team; following Sterling’s retirement in S15, Smith has recreated as the appropriately named striker Sterling Scott, who will be available for selection in the upcoming Season 16 Prospect Draft.
   
6. Tokyo SC: Squall Vercetti, DC (Thunfish) - The Japanese representatives made good on the first half of their double selection, taking the Canadian defender Vercetti to cap the first round. Vercetti has played his entire career with the Tokyo organization, making good on just a hair under 80% of his tackles and sporting a lifetime header success rate of 86.26%. In addition, Thunfish’s narrative style as shown off in their articles and career point tasks built a genuinely enthralling story around the character, and (on a personal note) had some influence on my own SSL-related writings. Certainly a strong pick for Tokyo — and they were just getting started.
   

ROUND 2

1. Tokyo SC: Helena Söderberg, MC (sköldpaddor)  - The second half of Tokyo’s double selection, Söderberg proved to have just as much staying power as her counterpart Vercetti. Spending her entire 15-season career with Tokyo (barring a single season on the other side of the Korea Strait with Seoul Mythic), Söderberg was one of the league’s hardest workers, running more than 4,200 km in total. That’s not to say running was her only contribution — she also succeeded in 76.88% of her tackle attempts and 87.96% of her passes found the mark. User sköldpaddor is a member of the Board of Directors and became part of the managerial setup at the new Tokyo/Cairo organization ahead of S12, where they remain to this day. They’ve recently recreated as center back Freja Ekholm-Gunnarsson, who will automatically join Tokyo/Cairo ahead of the S16 Draft.
   
2. Hollywood FC: Mikko Järvälä, DC (Faelax) - Hollywood was slightly less fortunate than Tokyo, as their solid first selection was followed up by a comparatively less impressive pick. Jarvala had a respectable initial stint in Tinseltown, then found their way to AS Paris for three seasons before calling it a career at the end of Season 6. Granted, the Finn was hardly a complete flop — they finished with precisely 200 key headers and a genuinely impressive pass completion rating of over 95% — but in hindsight, with some of the names still on the board, it’s hard to see this pick as anything but a missed opportunity. Faelax would recreate in S7 as midfielder Ivan Jiricek, but stopped updating around the beginning of Season 9.
   
3. Athênai FC: Jannik Andersen, GK (AW13) - With 64 career clean sheets, Andersen was a presence to be reckoned with between the sticks for Athênai. After nine seasons, Andersen left Athens and found a new home in Brazil — not FC Rio, which had long since abandoned their rainforest home in favor of a more temperate (and Eastern) climate, but União São Paulo. There, in the Brazilian capital, Andersen tended goal for USP with distinction for a further four campaigns before ultimately calling it a day after S13. In all, Andersen claimed four Golden Gloves and made Team of the Year twice. AW13 would join the Athênai management team prior to S4, but ultimately stepped down prior to S8. They are currently employed as a member of the SSL’s Point Task team, and their recreate, center back Nikola Lovrić, is already off to a strong start with Hollywood.
   
4. Inter London: Connor Azpilicueta, ST (G2019) - The tale of user G2019 in the SSL is a bizarre and fascinating one, and surprisingly enough Azpilicueta only features briefly in it. The center back-turned-striker from the very tip of Iberia that, against all logic (and fittingly, considering the team making this selection), was once owned by Britain of all empires played three seasons in London before G2019 took over as Cairo manager, bringing Connor along. After two more seasons, Azpi (and G) changed teams again, jumping ship for Sydney City (the club that became Reykjavik United, not the current academy team — it’s a Cleveland Browns situation), where the striker would play one more so-so season before being retired in an attempt by G to realign his player’s prime with that of the rest of the Sydney squad. Azpi’s flame burned brightest in Seasons 3 and 4, with returns of 20 and 22 goals apiece, so despite less impressive results the following two seasons the retirement is a baffling one in hindsight — yet somehow less baffling than what would soon ensue. G remained manager of Sydney into the Reykjavik era, recreating as midfielder Dante Mannone, before retiring that player as well after only two seasons in Iceland (though, even more bizarrely, he seems to have been coaxed out of retirement by Paris this season). A third player, Crystal O’Hara, didn’t even manage that modest tenure — the wingback lasted twenty-six days (IRL time) in the academy before she, too, was forced into retirement, with G blaming user LobsterKillah for “not holding up his end of the bargain”…whatever that means. No word yet on whether G2019 will return someday for attempt #4--or perhaps they already have, and simply continued the trend by giving up midway through player creation.
   
5. FC Rio: Milan Horvat, MC (Sermokala) - We now shift, somewhat abruptly, from farce to tragedy (or at the very least, bittersweetness). Not long after the inaugural draft, FC Rio manager lukechezzwoo unexpectedly peaced out, becoming the first in a disturbingly long line of SSL managers to simply vanish without warning. Sermokala was the one who stepped up to lead the Brazilian side in its infancy, turning in a respectable performance of 3 wins, 1 draw and 6 losses — still bottom of the table, but a valiant effort given the circumstances. Alas, this maiden outing seems to have given Sermokala serious pause, and despite clearly possessing a distinct passion for the game and a certain tactical nous (as demonstrated by their many articles and powerpoint presentations) they never seemed to shake that performance even after a later stint managing AS Paris. Horvat the player was a steady presence for 12 seasons, most of them spent in the French capital, but upon retirement Sermokala never recreated. All in all, Horvat and Sermokala serve as a cautionary tale about the dangers of burnout — as well as yet another example of the pressures facing managers even in sim leagues.
   
6. Cairo City: Ask Jeeves, DL (fútboliscool) - We return to the realm of excellence at the tail end of the second round, with veteran defender Ask Jeeves trading his old job as a moribund proto-search engine in favor of a long career of reliability on the left flank for Cairo City and Buenos Aires/Athênai. With a lifetime rating of 7.3 and 75 assists in league and cup play, the fullback was as dependable as they come, and the SSL community noticed, naming him to the Team of the Year four times. Jeeves called time on his career after Season 15.
   

ROUND 3

1. Cairo City: Jakup Larsen, AMC (bluesfan55) - As the second half of Cairo’s doubleheader selection may not have been the stalwart Ask Jeeves would become, Larsen still proved a valuable asset to Cairo in the short term. His best effort creatively came in Season 2, where the number ten from the Faroe Islands notched 10 assists; the most he managed in any other season was five. After his tenures with Cairo and Kaapstad, Larsen phased quietly out of the league as user bluesfan55 took time away from the SSL. Blues would return ahead of S15 with another Faroese phenom, Teitur Justinussen, who was claimed in the draft by União São Paulo and already looks to be an even greater force.
   
2. FC Rio: PenaltyTo Rangers, DC (Matty7478) - Rio took their third-round shot on the uniquely-named center back PenaltyTo Rangers, whose user Matty7478 clearly supported Celtic. (For legal reasons, this is a joke — please don’t murder me, Rangers supporters. Or Celtic fans. Or anybody in general, really.) Much like that joke, Rangers never really got off the ground in the SSL, managing two reasonable seasons for Rio, then signing for Sydney, making exactly one more appearance and then never playing again. Hence why there was so much padding in this entry — there really wasn’t much to talk about. Sorry.
   
3. Inter London: Aleksandar Stojakovic, DC (zaynzk) - With an 81.53% lifetime tackle percentage, Stojakovic ended up having a reasonable career as a journeyman defender. The Serb bounced around a handful of teams before eventually being released from Cairo City after Season 10. Interestingly, while the official reason given for Stojakovic’s departure was listed as inactivity, zaynzk claimed that the defender was, and I quote, “holding out for Saudi money.” As no SSL team based in Saudi Arabia exists (thankfully), this may have been code to indicate that Stojakovic had suddenly decided that such things as integrity and human rights were less important than cold, hard riyals. Hey, it worked for Jordan Henderson, right? (That’s weird — where did this soapbox under my feet come from…?)
   
4. Athênai FC: Budget Busquets, DMC (omniscius) - Busquets would ultimately play only one season in Greece before joining CF Catalunya as the first pick of the first-ever SSL expansion draft ahead of Season 2. He’s remained in the Catalan system ever since, even serving as manager of the Spanish side for several seasons. Busquets’ reputation is certainly deserved, with an average match rating of 7.32 and 92.21% pass completion rate. An outspoken and proud Catalonian, Busquets also developed an infamous rivalry with striker Franco Torres, who would also be selected later in this draft. Appearing to stem largely from an interview with Spanish tabloid Marca near the end of Season 2, the legendary tiff has seen Busquets repeatedly deride Torres as “arrogant” and “overrated”, among other epithets — making for an interesting dynamic when the two were forced to play on the same team for the first and only time in history during the first World Simulation Football Classic.
   
5. Hollywood FC: Ricky Bobby, ST (Gordon Bombay) - Though the man himself would contend that “if you ain’t first, you’re last,” the truth of the matter is that Ricky Bobby, despite not being first on the all-time goal chart, certainly made a solid go of it during his time in the league. Initially a midfielder, Bobby would make the transition to the front line with ease, ending up with 195 league and cup goals. Though he had to share the spotlight in more recent seasons with C.A.S.U.A.L. at Reykjavik United, Bobby nevertheless always had a knack for getting a goal right when his side needed it — a valuable trait in a sport so often decided by fine margins. Gordon Bombay's recreated player, Jean Girard, will be automatically allocated to Reykjavik/North Shore.
   
6. Tokyo SC: Jonas Thessenvitz, WBL (enigmatic) - Thessenvitz would spend four seasons on the Tokyo flank before shipping off to São Paulo, where he spent the rest of his 12-season career. By the end of that respectable span, he had managed 25 career assists and a cross completion rate of 21.26%. A steady, but not spectacular pick, in the end — though 88 chances created is nothing to sneeze at.
   

ROUND 4

1. Tokyo SC: Mike Rup, DC (graydonsanatomy) - With a career rating of 7.42 and a header percentage of 88.08%, Rup was an absolute rock on Tokyo’s back line for many seasons. Rup played just one season outside the Tokyo setup, going to Cairo on loan in Season 11. Even then, as luck would have it, Tokyo and Cairo were paired in the same organization from Season 12 onward anyway. Rup spent one more campaign in Tokyo before returning to the desert to wind down his stellar career.
   
2. Hollywood FC: Giannis Kroustis, WBL (Air Crou) - Neither Kroustis nor his son, striker Giannis Kroustis Jr., would exactly set the league on fire, but the two did combine for a respectable SSL tenure between them, if only in duration. In the elder Giannis’ case, eight seasons across four teams yielded just 13 assists and a cross rate of 19.71%. Air Crou retired GK Sr. upon returning from a period of inactivity and tried again with Junior, becoming part of the Kaapstad managerial setup in the process. Alas, they would eventually disappear again, leaving the son to twist in the wind.
   
3. Athênai FC: Zinedine Gintonic, AMC (sulovilen) - Creative midfielder Gintonic made his way to Athens with this pick, where he would ply his trade until a player swap orchestrated by the Greek side’s stewardship in Season 9 made him one of the last new players to pull on an Adowa Accra shirt. Following his new club’s move to the Black Forest and subsequent rebranding, he continued to be a solid chance creator for the newly-rechristened Schwarzwälder Fußballverein, and only in Season 15 did he see an interruption in that run, dropping down to Montréal United in the Minor Division. To date, he’s recorded 63 goals and 63 assists in all competitions.
   
4. Inter London: George Gordon, MC (siddhus) - This particular SSL founder doesn’t appear to have remained in the saddle for long; though they handled the bulk of updates during Season 1, it seems that Canadice, the manager of Athênai, took over at some point during or right after Season 1, and has been the league’s commissioner ever since. As for Gordon, the center mid would play four respectable seasons for London and three for Kaapstad, recording 13 goals and 20 assists along the way.
   
5. FC Rio: Haruka Mayoi, ST (Jiggly_333) - Mayoi’s brief SSL career was actually quite impressive. Despite only playing four seasons for Rio/Seoul, she bagged 24 goals from an xG of 25.68. Sadly, Mayoi’s true potential will go down as one of the SSL’s great “what if” moments, as Jiggly retired her due to her allegedly “having no personality.” Jiggly themselves was one of the first SSL commentators, but was ultimately removed from the booth over allegations of bias on the air. (Worth noting: Jiggly was actually drafted under the handle “TakaMori152” due to forum account troubles around the time of the draft. Ain’t technology grand?)
   
6. Cairo City: Heh Heh, ST (negs) - Bizarrely, Heh never actually signed a rookie deal with Cairo despite being drafted by them and playing for them multiple times during Season 1. In a move that attempted to clarify their status, the league would allocate them on a comparable rookie deal to Montréal United ahead of Season 2, in an attempt to boost the new expansion club. This also happened to Darren Lockyer (.simo), originally of London. It didn’t really matter in Heh’s case, as they made just eight appearances over two seasons and made almost zero impact in any of them.
   

ROUND 5

1. Cairo City: Timo Reinmann, DR (rory) - Reinmann never really showered the SSL with dazzling displays, but 11 assists from 4 seasons is hardly the worst return we’ve seen thus far. User rory would retire Reinmann after this stretch and disappear from the forum for some time. They eventually re-emerged ahead of Season 14 with new prospect Khant Kan-Wai, but they’ve been inactive since March.
   
2. FC Rio: George Costanza, DL (ZootTX) - George certainly wasn’t upset with this pick. Despite sliding to the middle rounds, Costanza was more than happy to move out of Jerry Seinfeld’s apartment to set up shop in Rio de Janeiro, beginning a long and fruitful career as a journeyman fullback. More of a defensive presence than an offensive one, Costanza only recorded 19 career assists but boasts a lifetime 80.19% tackle success rate and 2,238 clearances — not bad for a neurotic, mishap-prone New Yorker. Season 14 was Costanza’s last, but at least he got to bask in the Hollywood lights before bowing out.
   
3. Inter London: Kuai Liang, AMR (OrbitingDeath) - The very next pick by Inter London saw the selection of another future star. Kuai, whose 72 league assists are the current SSL record, is perhaps best known for their time with Hollywood, during which they contributed to an astounding 121 goals. Kuai finally hung up the boots after a final run with Cairo City in Season 15, and their absence opens the door for a new assist monarch to emerge in the coming seasons.
   
4. Athênai FC: Andreas Aadnevik, ST (rancidbudgie) - Did you know that budgerigars, or “budgies”, are actually a type of parrot, and can mimic human speech? In fact, the Guinness World Record for most words known by a bird is held by a budgie named Puck, who boasts a remarkable vocabulary of 1,728 words. (For comparison, that’s approximately 1,700 words larger than Joey Barton’s vocabulary.) That may seem off-topic, but I promise that budgie fact is far more interesting than anything to do with AA’s career, as rancidbudgie disappeared after three Activity Checks and Aadnevik would have been out of the league in a clean two seasons were it not for a single 15-minute cameo for the Greeks in Season 3.
   
5. Hollywood FC: Awesome McPossum, AMC (SDCore) - McPossum wouldn’t stay in Tinseltown for long, as he would join the expansion CF Catalunya for Season 2. He spent the rest of his seven-year career in Barcelona, finishing with a perfectly-balanced 15 goals and 15 assists from the number 10 position. SDCore remade as MC Gunnar Kennedy, promising to “try harder”, but hasn’t been seen on the forum since March. With Kennedy just reaching his prime, SDCore still has time to come back and reach the heights McPossum never quite could.
   
6. Tokyo SC: Patrik Björkås, MC (Henrik) - A self-styled journeyman, Björkås would play at no fewer than six clubs during is ten-season tenure in the SSL: Tokyo SC, Montréal United, CA Buenos Aires, Cairo City, Reykjavik United and finally Inter London. Not only did he rack up the frequent flier miles, he also tallied a not-too-shabby pass completion rate just a hair over 89%. Though he may never have been the type to take over a match, he was a reliable presence everywhere he went, and as a result still managed to carve out a solid niche in the SSL.
   

ROUND 6

1. Tokyo SC: Friendly Hermit, AMR (FriendlyHermit) - On first glance, FriendlyHermit (and their player, Friendly Hermit — note the space) seems to have been of zero consequence to SSL’s history. And as far as the player is concerned, you’d be right — Hermit made just three appearances in the league’s first season, then never played another match, having literally never even updated once. The user, however, is a different story; in fact, they were one of the three founders of the SSL, along with the aforementioned siddhus and Playoff Lonzo (of whom, more anon). It’s their name, after all, that graces the OP of several important forum threads, including the Point Task rubrics and the Store Purchases thread. So if you ever run into FriendlyHermit, be sure to say thank you — but you probably won’t, since I hear they don’t get out much.
   
2. Hollywood FC: Benji Atreides, AMR (BenjiDune) - Perhaps “the spice must flow,” but the talent sure didn’t. (I know that’s harsh, but I’ve never read Dune, so that’s the only quote I know. Sorry.) Atreides had a decent first season with Hollywood, but BenjiDune (say it with me, class) disappeared before Season 2. Atreides had two nothing campaigns, bouncing from team to team, before turning in another solid campaign for Inter London in Season 4 and subsequently fading into the sands of time. Atreides ended up with 9 goals and 15 assists, en route to…I dunno, what even happens in that book? Taming sandworms, I hope. Can you imagine how cool it’d be to have a sandworm for a steed? Imagine rocking up to the bar on your tamed sandworm, and offering to buy the next round for everyone. You’d be the hero of the town in an instant…er, sorry, I got sidetracked. Where were we?
   
3. Athênai FC: Christian Silver, MC (gsk94180) - Silver wasted no time causing a stir in Athens when he was reportedly arrested shortly after being drafted. He was apparently released on bail in time to play for a season and a half, but for all the good it did (only one career assist), he might as well have stayed in lockup. At least his massive salary was apparently enough to pay the substantial fine levied against him by the Greek justice system.
   
4. Inter London: John Wellerman, DMC (Michiganonymous) - Wellerman had an unspectacular first season in the league, managing an average rating of just 6.86 over 13 appearances. Wellerman made just one appearance the following season, but what an appearance it was — he scored both of Inter London’s goals in the SSL Cup Final, a match which London would lose to Hollywood on penalties. Michiganonymous unexpectedly retired Wellerman as part of an effort to cut back on distractions in their life, including various sim leagues. They would return later that year, creating another DM in Brock Sherwood, but have since gone AWOL again.
   
5. FC Rio: Eleanor Lorien, ML (mithrandir) - Another player who made very little impact before leaving the league. Not much more to report; mithrandir made another player in S7 but seems to have done the same thing again. On a side note, I’m running out of ways to say “this player was unspectacular in their first season, only played part of the next season and then vanished completely” and we’re not even two-thirds of the way through yet. Seriously, if anyone thinks the current-day SSL has a problem with inactive players, trust me when I say it could be a lot worse.
   
6. Cairo City: Alfredo Puttanesca, DMC (roastpuff) - At last, another player with longevity. Puttanesca was a reliable contributor for eleven seasons, most of which were spent on The Pitch in Hollywood. A noodle’s width away from a lifetime rating of 7, the Canadian helped anchor the SoCal club en route to four of their five league titles and had a significant hand in their fifth. Puttanesca’s career is proof that having a safe pair of boots at the holding midfield position really can make all the difference.
   

ROUND 7

1. Cairo City: Narsko Koivu, MR (Briedaqueduc) - Koivu played two full seasons, scored eight goals, made nine assists, then was gone after a one-match cameo (plus a sub appearance) in Season 3. As this list goes on, I feel like I’m reading off a list of the forgotten names of dead soldiers from some great war a hundred years ago. So many good men who never made it home…I think it’s starting to drive me slightly mad. Steady on, Meta — just three rounds left…
   
2. FC Rio: Hunter Jones, AMR (Thunder39) - Jones bolted from Rio after just one season to seek the bright lights in Hollywood, where he would play the bulk of his career. Apart from one odd season where his only contribution was a nine-minute substitute appearance, Jones seasonal average rating would dip below 7 just once the rest of his career, which saw 93 goals — just shy of the century mark. Thunder39 actually designed a significant number of the teams’ crests and for a time was the site’s go-to person for graphics; the SSL would (quite literally) not look the same without their contributions.
   
3. Inter London: K Clamence, AMR (captjanko) - This deep in the draft, to find even a regular starter is a feat. So for Inter London to snag a talent like “Special K” this far down must be considered a managerial masterstroke. Clamence would become a London icon in his ten total seasons playing for the club, contributing a total of 109 goals and 30 assists to the club that drafted him. Clamence still plays today for Athenai, though between inactivity and his decreased ability after a lengthy career, he seems likely to hang up the boots sooner rather than later.
   
4. Athênai FC: Icarus Isoceles, AMC (vulfgravy) - This would normally be a prime spot for a “flew too close to the sun” joke, but that would imply Isosceles ever got off the ground to begin with. Sure, 13 goals in 26 career appearances is a solid return, in theory, but having never played a full season and only making it to S3, his full potential remains theoretical rather than practical. At least his name was fitting for the Greek side, I suppose.
   
5. Hollywood FC: Cheese Cantkick, DL (TheCHEESE) - When a player’s very name says they “can’t kick,” it’s usually best to believe them. This cheese went moldy the moment it signed its rookie contract, and by the end of S1 it was so inedible that Hollywood had to cut ties before it got someone sick. This is why you never draft perishables, folks.
   
6. Tokyo SC: Emilliano Yoichi-Isagi, MC (ProjectSaint) - The final selection of Round 7 saw the Japanese representatives snatch up the player of longtime SSL commentator ProjectSaint. Though now on the tail end of his career and never truly reaching the absurd heights of some of his classmates, Yoichi-Isagi contributed effectively to four SSL Cup victories. A Tokyo lifer prior to his reassignment to Cairo in Season 14, the midfielder’s best output came in Season 8, when he contributed to 18 goals and posted a career-best 5.75 xG.
   

ROUND 8

1. Tokyo SC: Kaspars Briedis, ST (monochroma) - Did you know that Latvia are the only Baltic state to qualify for a European Championship? They made the 2004 tournament via a playoff win over Türkiye, and even managed a 0-0 draw with Germany at the tournament proper. Ultimately, though, they finished fourth in their group thanks to losses to Czechia and the Netherlands, and have yet to qualify for a major international tournament since. A shame — their nickname is “11 vilki,” or “Eleven Wolves,” which is pretty dope. Anyway, Briedis scored 11 goals in two seasons and was gone after that. Tokyo definitely regretted whiffing on this one, because the very next selection was…
   
2. Hollywood FC: Tiki Taka, ST (3lewsers) - A veritable late-round steal for the SoCal outfit. Despite their humble beginnings, Taka would eventually reach the second-highest TPE of the entire class, capping at a whopping 2007 TPE — only 46 shy of S1 leader Mikko Rashford, who wasn’t taken in this draft. On the pitch, Taka currently occupies third place on the all-time league goal record book with 148, behind Owen Forty-Four (181) and Leonidas Papadopoulos (150) and just ahead of Franco Torres (144) and Ricky Bobby (140).
   
3. Athênai FC: Arwyn Lamb, AML (dlamb) - One goal in 15 career appearances. Out of the league in a season and a half. Hello, darkness, my old friend; I’ve come to talk with you again.
   
4. Inter London: Mazrim Taim, WBL (Sopath) - Taim never got up to anything too special in nine seasons in the SSL, registering 31 assists and coming just shy of a 7 lifetime rating, but Sopath actually started a podcast with omniscius by the name of “Missing Sitters, Scoring Screamers”. The podcast lasted 10 episodes and covered a wide variety of SSL topics. Today, the SSL has no real podcast landscape to speak of, meaning the opportunity is out there for any who wish to get their voice out there, but Sopath is one of the users responsible for the category even existing as it does today.
   
5. FC Rio: Breakfast Sandwich O’Pumpernickel, WBR (stink bingus) - Did you know that the word “pumpernickel” derives from German, from which it can supposedly be translated as “devil’s fart”? It’s thought that it was named as such for being hard to digest due to its density, or perhaps as a slight against the rural peasants with which it was most commonly associated. Why anyone would intentionally conjure the image of attempting to digest a devil’s fart, history (perhaps wisely) refuses to explain. User stink bingus never even made an update thread for their dense devil fart sandwich, which is a phrase I immediately regret bringing into existence.
   
6. Cairo City: Oscar Fernandes, AMC (Playoff Lonzo) - Unlike a certain other Portuguese player with the last name Fernandes, Oscar never really made waves in the soccer world. His very short career yielded just four goals and four assists. Playoff Lonzo was one of the league’s original founders, but seems to have stepped down from their admin duties at some point after the start of Season 2. They retired Fernandes after two and a half seasons and proceed to make two different new players by the name of Øscar Jebaseelan (albeit three seasons apart).
   

ROUND 9

1. Cairo City: Franco Torres, ST (r1ceb0wl22) - In a turn of events that boggles the mind in hindsight, now-legendary striker Torres slid all the way down the draft board until the ninth and final round, where he was finally selected at 49th overall by Cairo City. It’s safe to assume that the managers of all five of Cairo’s competitors were kicking themselves in the seasons to come, as Torres went on to score an incredible 220 career goals as of Season 15. This surprising bargain will surely be mentioned for years to come in the same breath as Tom Brady being taken in the fifth round of the NFL Draft, or Ben Wallace being inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame despite not being on any NBA team’s draft board. Still active to this day, Torres spent Season 15 in Tokyo, and could be set for one last ride with the team that drafted him in the near future.
   
2. FC Rio: Arcueid Brunestud, GK (FunisSomething) - Another draftee who was briefly mediocre and then vanished. I knew going into this project that with 54 players taken in this draft, some were going to be duds, but seeing all these players who barely registered their presence and ultimately ceased to exist is genuinely getting depressing. For every one superstar there are five or more who wash out within two or three seasons. I guess in a way, that means this might be the part of soccer that SSL simulates the most accurately…
   
3. Inter London: Jack O’Conner, DMC (Hordle) - Originally a striker, O’Conner had a very prolific first season, scoring 15 goals for London. Before Season 2, though, whether of his own volition or at the behest of the London coaching staff, O’Conner dropped all the way back into a holding midfield role. Though he presumably better fit the London tactic in this role, his play seemed to suffer somewhat for it, and he would not have a team by Season 3. Perhaps O’Conner would still be around today if he and/or London hadn’t taken the term “deep-lying forward” to quite such an extreme.
   
4. Athênai FC: Olsen Minion, AML (Minion) - Did you know that Minions are a stain upon the cultural landscape? Ever since their introduction in the 2010 animated film Despicable Me, the yellow gibberish-speaking parasites have infiltrated the collective social consciousness and become the poster children for soulless corporate pandering, suppression of genuine creativity in favor of marketable blandness and every unfunny “joke” posted to the average out-of-touch baby boomer’s Facebook page. Minions are a festering cancer upon the world and whoever designed them deserves to be pilloried for their crimes. (This particular Minion did nothing of any note in the SSL and presumably left soccer entirely for a cameo in one of the Despicable Me sequels.)
   
5. Hollywood FC: Trevor Malone, ST (cole6249) - Two and a half seasons, eight goals, went inactive, retired in obscurity, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Stay strong, reader, we’re almost done.
   
6. Tokyo SC: Barry Batsbak, AML (Katth) - The league’s first-ever Mr. Irrelevant (the very last player taken in the draft, for those unfamiliar with American sports draft parlance), Batsbak made a minor impact in his rookie season, recording three goals and three assists. He then made one uneventful appearance in Season 2 and (like so many others drafted before him) was never heard from again. And lo, the final peal of the first SSL Prospect Draft did fade into the void. User Katth, wherever you are…we salute you.
   

---

And there you have it. From the future superstars to the footnotes in history, this was the SSL Season 1 draft class.

On the strength of their draft performance, which saw the likes of Ask Jeeves and Franco Torres arrive at the Tomb of Doom, Cairo City would claim victory in the SSL’s inaugural season — their only league title to date in either the major or minor division. They would eventually join forces with Tokyo SC, the winners of the first-ever SSL Cup — their first of five such triumphs, more than any other team.

Though future drafts would feature bigger and brighter stars, and a greater quantity of them to boot, there wouldn’t have even been a platform for them to shine were it not for the ones who came before. Every player in this inaugural class, whether they lit up the scoreboards or simply lit up the Discord server, paved the way for the superstars of today and tomorrow. Though most of the above players are retired now and the rest are likely soon to follow, their contributions to the sport of simulation soccer will surely never be forgotten.

—

Thanks to Canadice for creating the SSL Index, which I made heavy use of in writing this article; Nhamlet and sköldpaddor for taking a chance on drafting me to Tokyo/Cairo in S12 and being awesome managers and people in general; and lastly, you, the reader, for putting up with roughly six and a half thousand words of an extremely long-winded and increasingly pointless recap of a fictional draft for a fictional soccer league. Thanks for stopping by.

[Canadice]

Can't believe it has been this long. I distinctly remember setting up and conducting the draft as the inaugural manager for Athênai.

[AgentSmith]

As one of the inaugural draftees, this was a super fun look back! Thanks for writing!

[RashfordU]

Oh I love this, that's being said, since I need to write myself a PT for the Academy Task, here is my thoughts on the best player in each round.

Round 1:
Yoker and Vercetti were exceptional players in the league, but nothing stands even close to the results that Sterling put in during his time within the league.  Easily a top 3 players of all time, some could argue the best.  Recently, saved 2 penalties to win the cup for North Shore

Round 2:
Both Jeeves and Soderberg could easily be considered the best in the 2nd round, well decorated, but honestly, as much as I want to give the nod to the chief penalty misser, this one goes to Jeeves

Round 3: 
Busquets could have easily been the best player in this draft, if not for Ricky Bobby.  Bobby won everything, literally everything, and Bobby will finish with at minimum 30 team/personal awards during his time within the league

Round 4:
Rup is gunna be the best player in this round, multiple CB of the year for Tokyo, many cup wins, not to mention great success as a Manager

Round 5: 
Kuai Liang will go down as one of the top players this league has ever seen.  and takes the cake in this round as well

(and that's all I need ofr the word count)